Get The Answers You Require From The Talk about Autism Family Support Live Q&A Session

As a parent who has a child on the Autism spectrum I know how frustrating it can be looking for answers. Thats why I’m really excited to share some excellent news with you… Ambitious about Autism the national charity dedicated to improving opportunities for people with autism, who run an online community called ‘Talk about autism‘ have come up with the Family Support Season of live online Q&A.

The charity has come up with 4 discussion topics that parents with children on the autism spectrum voted upon late last year. The whole programme has been designed to offer both parents and carers professional advice from leading experts within the autism sector.

Each of the four sessions will take place live on the web over at the Talk about autism website. Finally parents will have the opportunity to get some of the answers they have been searching for whether its about challenging behaviour or socialising with peers the parent support season’s Q&A sessions will do its best to answer those questions.

The first session has already taken place back on the 16th January. The session covered the topic… ‘Getting the right support at school’ Nonetheless you can still read the entire transcript on the evenings topic over on their website. The session covered areas such as access to education, statements of sen, exclusion and more. The transcript is packed full of great advice what with the specialist advisers being Jill Davies, Manager of the Special Educational Needs (SEN) Helpline at Contact and Family, and Steve Broach of Doughty Street Chambers, who is an expert on the rights of ‘children in need’ and disabled adults. This was the first of four live sessions and a great success. Its my guess the remaining three will be just as valuable in the advise they offer.

The second live Q&A session is set to take place on the 30th January 2013 and the discussion topic is that of ‘Understanding & Managing Challenging Behaviour‘. The evenings professionals will be Dr Emma Douglas, a Senior Applied Behaviour Analysis (ABA) Consultant from TreeHouse School, and Richard Hastings, Professor of Psychology at Bangor University in Wales. So, if you are currently experiencing problems with challenging behaviour and are looking for advice this seems like a pretty good place to start.

As a parent to a young man with Aspergers Syndrome we’ve experienced our fair share of meltdowns and aggressive behaviours. Little man is 12 now and I often worry he doesn’t know his own strength when hitting out at other. We have had some particularly bad mornings before school when little man has thrown punches in my direction. His violence scared me! With a frightening temper I had to sought help but it didn’t come easy. I just wish there was something like the live Q&A session available back when I needed it. This topic will sure to be a life line for parents all over the world.

The remaining two sessions after that will commence on the 13 February 2013 & the 27 February 2013.

These sessions will be as follows…

Puberty, sex and relationships (13th February 2013)
Experts for the session: Lesley Kerr-Edwards, Director of Image in Action, and Professor Jahoda, Professor of Learning Disabilities at the University of Glasgow.

Supporting your child to socialise and make friends (27 February 2013).
Experts for this session: Jennifer Cook O’Toole, education specialist and author of The Asperkids Book of Social Rules – the Handbook of Not-So-Obvious Social Guidelines for Tweens and Teens with Asperger’s Syndrome, and Andrew Swartfigure, Senior Applied Behaviour Analysis (ABA) Consultant at TreeHouse School.

Well, I’m definitely marking the 13th February 2013 in my diary. This is a topic that I myself have a number of questions in need of answering (googling can only provide so much)! My 12 year old is fast approaching puberty and don’t I know it! Puberty and the issue of sex is a hard enough topic for any parent to face but for those of children on the autism spectrum, it is an area of constant worry and struggle.

All sessions are live and will last one hour. Each live Q&A will commence at 8pm and finish at 9pm on the dates given.

To receive a reminder about any of the live support sessions visit the website and sign up for a reminder by email.

So, there you have it! Four great topics all live and interactive. How about popping along, maybe get a specific question answered or just follow the thread to see what others have to say. Don’t forget, all sessions will appear as transcripts following the live event allowing those of you who can’t make it on night, the opportunity to have a read. Who knows maybe you’ll still find the answer to that question you need answering.

Would love it if readers could share this on there chosen social networks. By reaching out we give parents the opportunity to gain the support they desperately need.

To find out how Live Q&A sessions work click Here

Disclaimer… This is a sponsored post for the autism charity Ambitious about autism. All words are my own.

A Mothers Reflection

This is me, ‘Claire Louise’ daughter, sister, friend, blogger, mother of three… A Human Being!

Yes, this isn’t my most flattering picture, in fact I look a mess, but that’s not the point I’m trying to make here!

A year back I wouldn’t have dared post this image of me looking so worse for wear. But this weekend all that changed!

Little man had a meltdown, his first in a good few weeks.This meant it was a big one… Though huge is a better word to describes it! What with the looming return to school, little sleep and a whole host of other issues, he exploded and did so in a deadly fashion.

It was little sister who was his target and he hit the balls eye with her every time. I by this point had become a woman close to breakdown and as I saw him mid air, ready to inflict a karate style fly kick aimed at his unsuspecting sister, I finally lost it.

Flying of the opposite sofa I wrapped my arms around his waist and as I pulled him back we fell to the ground. He flipped, went ballistic, angry doesn’t seem a strong enough word. Little man does this certain facial expression which consists of him sticking the tip of his tongue out as he bites down on it. When I see this I know his now capable of going to far! His totally unpredictable and this scares me.

I was right… He went mental, trashing and hitting out at all in his way! Alice-Sara and the littlest tot had by now escaped into the garden and as I watched the mother of all melt downs unfold, it was now my turn to lose my cool! By this point I was screaming, swearing and bombarding him with orders mainly consisting of “Get out of here right now!” He throw some pretty nasty insults my way too and I’d just about heard “I don’t want you as a mum” one to many times!

“I hate you #%*+##” he screamed while throwing himself at me.

“Well I don’t much like you, maybe you should go find some place else to live” I roared!

As soon as the words had left my mouth I wanted to take them all back. I’d lost control and responded through anger, something I know doesn’t work with little man. Well, at least the shock had stopped him in his tracks but only because he had turned and gone running up the stairs. As his door slammed shut with an almighty thud, I felt my legs buckle from beneath me and I dropped to the ground in a messy, unhinged fashion.

Yes, I cried… I cried for reasons of anger, tiredness, frustration, hurt and regret! My words had now left me feeling like the worse parent in the world! Although yes, this was a bad meltdown, I have actually dealt with a thousand others worse! Ones that literally had me pulling chunks of hair from my head in pure frustration…. Why had I lost my cool now, today… This time?

The little man was now deadly silent, I could hear his siblings giggling as they jumped up and down on the trampoline. I knew little man did wrong and regardless of his Aspergers he needed to learn how to regulate his emotions and therefore control his temper. But I still needed to apologise for what I had said simply because this would be the only thing now on his mind, he would be questioning my reaction without having any consideration to what caused it! His part in it all will mean little because despite the fact my words had hurt him emotionally, he would still never relate the two, and it was my job to remind him of this!

I left him for a while… There would be no point me speaking to him when his in any type of highly emotional, angry state, nothing registers. I sat back on the sofa, picked up my iPhone and sent a tweet announcing my failed moment in parenting. I wasn’t looking for sympathy, I just wanted to tell people what I’d done. I guess I wanted some one to tell me to pull my parenting socks up, but they didn’t…

I got lots of tweets everyone reminding me that despite being a mum to a boy with Aspergers, I was also a human-being with feelings too. Yes, yes… I did know this, yet when your in that situation I’m in, you forget to remind yourself of such a thing! You’re to busy punishing yourself.

I thought about this for awhile before going upstairs to speak to the little man in-order to apologise for my hurtful words while somehow highlighting to him that what he did was wrong too! I also wanted to give him an important reminder on “how his words hurt me in a similar way to how mine hurt him”.

I knocked on the door, he didn’t answer but I could hear him sobbing so with that I open the door and sit on the bed beside him. I told him I’m sorry and explain in the best way I can that my words were those said through anger. I then tried my best to get him to see how his actions leave me and other family members feeling hurt too. I gave him a hug and come back downstairs.

After that I found him a sleep on the bedroom floor… The meltdown did have some benefits, it drains all the excess energy he has. We both hadn’t slept for a few nights and I can only wish that joining him was an option. However with two more little monsters in the garden, it wasn’t!

A few hours had passed, I had made dinner and was now escaping in a bid for this beautifully inviting bubble bath that was all ready and waiting for me. Only it was once I was in the bathroom that I suddenly caught sight of my own reflection. And it was the image above that I saw staring back at me. Yes, it was now clear that I’d walked about the house for the past few hours sporting a style that pretty much resembled that of Kung foo panda!!!

I then did something strange… I got my iPhone and captured that messy reflection of mine before finally sharing it with the world.

Why?

Because although I knew this was one of those days… The type you wish hadn’t come about, I also knew tomorrow would be better!

But there was something else I knew too…

I knew there would be someone else, another child like Little man on the autism spectrum, experiencing a meltdown to one of a similar degree. Another normally “together” mother, who like me suddenly loses it and then kicks her own backside for hours on end all because of such blunder. I knew that somewhere, someplace a mother like me would be stood looking in a mirror with a reflection that tells that of the same story.

It was for these reasons I posted my unhinged mental looking picture. In the hope that one day you would find it, relate to it and smile at it!

Tomorrow is another day, a better brighter day. That much I can promise you.

The Kleenex man

I sit staring at the large white clock to the point some may think I’m fixated. It reminds me of the type of clock I used to have at school. I would stare at that clock for hours longing for time to lapse around me.

“Miss Parkinson… Miss Parkinson, can you hear me”

Shut up I thought, of course I can hear you, it doesn’t mean I want to!

But it was I who had came here, no one had asked me to, I wasn’t forced, dragged kicking and screaming.

It was I who had picked up the phone, dialled the number, made an appointment.

Now I didn’t know what to say…I didn’t… well no, I did know why I had come. But now I was confused so fucking confused.

“Miss Parkinson, have you got to be somewhere”

Bloody hell, now I felt as if I was in school! Seriously is he joking?

Sarcasm within therapy whatever next!

“No” I said

“Ok let’s get started, but at your own pace…OK?”

I nodded, I wanted to speak, really I did. I had a lot to say but now I was here my head it was all muddled like a jigsaw with pieces missing.

I had been here before, I trusted him, the man who wore the nonjudgemental face, the man who always had a box of Kleenex at the ready.

That’s why I chose here you see, I needed to see the Kleenex man!

I’m still staring at the clock, its tick and its tock can be heard through the bitter silence.

He coughs…. I look round

He smiles as he passes me those tissues.

Taking one I hold it tightly in the palm of my hand, if I don’t I know I’ll fiddle with it… likely pick it to tiny little pieces.

I take a deep breath in closing my eyes I excel opening them once more.

“Nobody believes me” I said.

I can feel it, the warm water leaving the corner of my eye. Please don’t ask me, I think. But then he speaks

“Who… Who doesn’t believe you, and what is he they don’t believe” he asks inquisitively.

Once more the room is filled with silence and I can hear the ticking and the tocking of the clock. I look down and there scattered around my feet are tiny pieces of tissue.

“Who…?” he asks once more.

As I go to open my mouth I taste the salt form my tears, like a child I catch my breath…

“The school… The school” I whimper.

Silence once more… Tick… Tock… Tick… Tock…

Then before he can ask…

“My son’s school, they don’t believe what is happening, they think it’s me… They think it’s all my fault!”

“They won’t help me… No one will, why, why won’t they help” I plead.

You see, I was close to the edge of crazy, so fucking close. The situation was costing me my health, what kind of mother would that make me? On That very day and at that very time I wasn’t aware of what I’m aware of now! The very beginning of a Journey one I never planned on taking, I don’t have a choice, no one asked me if it was okay, god didn’t ask me. I hate it when people say that god does everything for a reason, he chose me because I’m strong. Sat here writing this I remember that day with my therapist so clearly, and on that particular day I felt anything but strong! I felt desperate, I felt as if I was standing on a mountain screaming and nobody looked up… Nobody! Your little boy is hitting you, his so angry and he charges at you like some crazed bull, but his not a bull his a 6 year old child who tells you “mummy I hate you” as he rages with sheer frustration! But why is he frustrated? It’s just that, my lack of knowing… He wants me to, he needs my to understand what his feeling! I miss the trigger I then spend a lifetime discovering it. No one can teach me, I need to learn myself! But this doesn’t mean we don’t need answers… Everybody needs answers!

Ashamed I said nothing, for a while anyway. But i’m no super mum and soon I broke… Started crumbling into a heap of madness, but when I reached out, there was no one there to catch me. I didn’t say I needed parenting tips, I didn’t need some false caring stranger visiting my home and judging my parenting… Especially when I had asked my sons school for help. I felt judged, bullied… I felt disregarded! They failed to notice the bigger picture, they almost cost my child his diagnosis of Aspergers syndrome, they almost cost me my sanity!

google images

Why don’t you believe me

Why don’t you believe me?

As a parent to a child with Aspergers syndrome, I’ve heard myself ask this question a thousand times in an array of situations.

I really couldn’t care anymore if the lady up the road thinks I’m a bad parent and my son is the child of the devil!

But there have been some situations in the past when I have felt like bashing my head continuously against a brick wall, times when I needed support and understanding. People I felt should be naturally supportive were not, instead they made me feel as if I was an overreacting pain in the arse, one who had a problem with parenting… One who was full of Nonsense!

Those people were my child’s teachers, these people almost cost my child his diagnosis!

My child is challenging at home yet he doesn’t show such behaviour when at school is a common issue for parents who are going through the procedure of trying to obtain a diagnosis of Autism for their child (this is so common it should be added to the criteria for diagnosis)! It’s not that we are crying out for our child to have an attached label but without it we have little chance of obtaining the support we crave for both our child and ourselves.

It’s important to remember that us parents are not alone in such situations, but at the time it sure does feel like it!

It comes to a point when one really does question their own skills as a parent, we often find ourselves questioning our own abilities to do the job correctly. I actually started to envy other parents, their relationships with their children! “Why doesn’t their child violently hit, bite and kick them?” You start to wonder if your child loves you and if he doesn’t then why the hell not? You start to walk on dangerous ground when you start to wonder if this really is a case of “poor parenting”

It’s not easy knowing that your child is sat like some little angel in the class room, yet a few hours later his walking through the door and trashing his bedroom! Then someone suggests the autism spectrum, at first you instantly refuse to believe it, but the more you learn about it the more you realise the pieces of the puzzle begin to fit, in some sense you find comfort in the fact it isn’t down to you, your child doesn’t hate you, he just has difficulties regulating his own emotions, why? Because his frustrated with over loaded senses and an altogether different take on the world.

You climb mountains to get on that waiting list for an assessment, when you finally get that appointment the paediatrician nods his head and tells you his confident that your child has traits consisting of a diagnosis of autism ( in my case Aspergers)! More assessments follow and every medical professional your child meets draws them very same suspicions. Then they requests feed back from your child’s school and although you understand there to be no challenging behaviour you are confident that the school will share other concerns, odd behaviours and so forth!

So, why is it that they don’t… Instead they write a report that indicates your child is a typical boy, a child who communicates on the same level of that of his peers? Why do they fail to highlight any bullying, obsessions or quirky behaviours?

I speak for thousands of parents who have all had their child’s diagnosis held up or dismissed completely as a result of such report writing!

I remember feeling completely alone, So angry, So let down.

Every concern I had was disregarded as a lie, my child’s head teachers blamed me for the way my child refused to dress for school of a morning or when he failed to sleep the entire night. I began to hold back my concerns for fear of being judged!

I had now entered a new world, one that no longer got left behind at the school gate! A world of TAC meetings, CAF forms and assessments, a world of battles ones I’d eventually become accustomed to!

Sat in my doctors office, head in hands I cried, I cried so much I could hardly get the words I needed to say out of my mouth and into the listening ear of another! I was tired of fighting the system, I was tired of fighting my child to get out of bed and dressed each morning, I was tired of having my concerns pulled to pieces, most of all I was tired of being me.

It doesn’t help when your own mental health begins to slip away, when you find yourself only able to get through a day once you’ve tanked yourself up on Prozac! I remember reading my child’s education record some 2 years later, I remember the statements made in relation to my own mental wellbeing! What still makes me angry is the fact that my own health only suffered because of them… I didn’t do this to myself, they did it! Being strong enough to now say that with confidence is a wonderful thing!

Despite the depression I continued to battle on when eventually one year after that report my child received an official diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome!

Why now? He had now seen a number of professionals and the very last assessment was the one that finally closed his case. A video interview with a speech and language assessment who specialised in the autism spectrum, plus a play assessment which helped highlight his intense special interest and rigid thinking.

School still failed to acknowledge his diagnosis as they should have, he was no longer 5 but 8 his traits were more noticeable yet the school failed to make prober adjustments. It normally came back to the issue of little man having no statement of special educational needs (something I later went on to successfully acquire, though not without a fight). Eventually though things changed direction and finally little man settled at home. This was down to working out his triggers that lead to meltdowns, different reinforcements for desired behaviours etc. Not everyday was problem free (far from it) but the hitting slowed a bit and I felt as though I had gain some control back. This was due to now having a better understanding of his needs. However, with the school’s complete lack of adjustments or understanding, little mans challenging ways started to surface once more… Only this time, it was within the school setting!

It’s a long story, but put it this way… That same child (the ‘typical’ little boy) was now excluded on a weekly basis, never taken on school trips and even taught In isolation. All this lead to a disability discrimination case which I finally agreed to settle before the hearing once all my commands had been met! (letters of apology, rewriting of policies and teacher training)! What a turn around!!!

My child now attends an independent special school for children with autism and Aspergers. Life isn’t perfect, who’s is! But we have the diagnosis, the statement and finally the right school… One where I no longer need to ask “why don’t you believe me”

I’m in the final for the mad blog awards in the inspiring category voting closes today (6th June 2012) at 5pm! Please if you love the blog pop over and give us your vote.

Failing to regulate one’s own emotions

I’m the type of patent who likes to embrace her son’s diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome, though there are days, when I fail to focus on any positives, these long hard days filled with meltdowns, the explosive type, filled with rage and a good degree of violence!

Violence used to be a huge problem back when Little man was between the ages of 7-9 years old, however, with a lot of work we managed to get his explosive ways under control, and although he has always hit his younger sister, this become less frequent and manageable. I myself used to be his punch bag and with some two years since he had hit out at me, I thought this milestone had been well and truly achieved.

Since Little man turned 11 on the 1st October 20211, things have once more turned nasty and have progressively become worse since. Having seen the huge reduction of such violent and challenging behaviour outbursts over these past 2 years, their return has simply knocked me sideways and I’m completely at a loose on how to fix this!

His violent ways often spring without warning, leaving myself or his little sister in the firing line. Strangely, since leaving the mainstream school and receiving a full education alongside his peers, in a place he is far more happier, this violence has grown worse at home! he went through so much at mainstream, he was isolated, excessively excluded and sadly discriminated against, yet despite this he didn’t become violent towards me, though he did self harm on a few occasions! So why now? School life seems good, it is terribly frustrating that he is now in the right educational setting, yet another issue as serious and worrying as this should arise! There is no bullying and I know that he happy at his new independent special school, so why?

His not 7 anymore, his a reasonably sized 11-year-old boy who can pack a pretty impressive punch! This is a child who despite his nick name, ‘Little man’ is now almost as tall as myself! My son is now, taller, stronger and about to experience a flood of hormones… if not already!

Lately, meltdowns have been highly explosive, his jackle and Hyde personality takes over without warning and my usual tools of redirection that I’ve created over the years, are sadly little use, if any at all! The Switch in mood is so sudden that I now struggle to see it coming, I cannot decode a trigger, something I would have once described as one of my talents! I usually see the forming of a dark cloud building and as a result, I am often able to clear it quickly! Sadly once more, myself and his sister have become his target when frustration reaches its limits… I have found myself jumping in the path of his blows to protect my daughter and regrettable, just recently she tries to return the favour 😦

Thursday the 9th February 2012, Little man was sat at the PC, writing yet another one of  his business plans for when he reaches adulthood, a calm presence filled the air and everything was… well, fine!

Suddenly, Little man unplugs my iPhone which happens to be charging, I tell him this and politely requests he replugs it in to the extension lead, while reminding him he should ask if he can use the extension in the future! This didn’t go down well, shouting and screaming he tells me to F#*k off and plug it in myself as it’s my charger!  I actually did this in the end, as not to fuel this any further! However two minutes later and for no apparent reason whatsoever, little man randomly switches of the TV which his sister is watching! I ask why, to which he states, “if I can’t do what I want, she can’t watch TV” This was all the crap I needed! Already feeling quite unwell, as if a ton of bricks lay on my chest, I told him I wasn’t in the mood as I felt reasonably unwell, to which he continued to refuse. Getting up, I head to the TV , Little man runs off to which I presumed he was heading for the extension lead to once again remove my charger… Like this was now a game! Though actually, I couldn’t have been more wrong! Suddenly as the TV screen flicked on, I felt a pain fly up my back… No bloody way! Turning my head slightly, my fears were confirmed, stood behind me was little man who had just punched me in the centre of my back! Feeling so angry I ordered that he went to his room, now I know I should have persisted, but given the fact… my 2-year-old toddler was becoming increasingly distressed and I didn’t want my 9-year-old daughter getting hit, I scooped the toddler up from his chair and ordered my daughter to follow me to the bedroom where she could finish watching her film.

Little man would now stay out the way, downstairs and hopefully become much calmer, he could finish his business plan before settling down on the sofa or heading to bed! Again… could I have been anymore wrong? He followed us upstairs swearing all the way  and at one point he even beat the hell out of my bedroom door… AGAIN! Losing the will to live, I informed him, I’d call the school and see if they could help me fix this, he flipped out, telling me to stay away from school before once more setting himself upon me like some frenzied lion! I know that this was partly my fault now as he then felt threaten. Although I normally reframe from such behaviours, it should be understood that by now I was close to breaking point, tears quite literally streaming from my eyes as I tried to think of a way to turn the situation around.

It got to the stage where the little man needed to be carried into his bedroom, I must have incurred super human strength as I lifted him, ignoring the thumps and pinches, I placed him in his room making a bee line for  the door, though I wasn’t quick enough as I found myself being hit by a number of heavy flying objects. Before I knew it he had taken up to running at me inflicting an array of high flying kicks directly to my body, seriously consumed with anger, sadness and sheer frustration, I told him that if he laid another finger on me I’d call the police! Again this wasn’t the best choice of words because 1) He felt threaten, 2) I pointed in his face, 3) he kicked me instead… well, feet do not have fingers do they!

I  was actually now extremely exhausted by the whole experience that had been continuing on for some 2 hrs now, not being able to bear a minute more of this, I turned to leave the room when he gave me one final blow in my back which  just happens to be the act that pushed me over the edge, giving me an intense desire to hit him back (which I don’t do, and don’t want to do)! I spun around and instead of hitting him I began screaming the words “No…… more, please no more!” as I proceeded in kicking toy boxes that resulted in them flying across the room, I also found myself knocking books from their shelf… I had lost it! Suddenly there was silence… stood shocked little man stared through me, he then lowered his eyes to the ground and started to cry as he asked me, “Mum why have you done this?” Then he very cheekily said out loud, ‘ Mum, you really should control your anger’ He no longer chased me just sat scrapping Lego bricks back in their rightful boxes, I retreated to my bedroom only to surprisingly discover the toddler and his sister were now spread out across my bed sleeping! Closing the door behind me I sat with my back against the door, tears filling my eyes as I looked at my bruised arms and legs, I cried, not due to the physical pain but the emotional one, plus the uncertainty and unanswered questions left me feeling isolated and alone! Should I be calling the police, what would make him stop! I couldn’t allow him to grow up with this approach to a problem, it wasn’t a solution! I love him and have that understanding… What if he hit someone else who then turned around and battered him, would he be behind bars by his teen years or even fall in love and beat his wife! Consumed with worry and knowing it was my responsibility to avoid any of the above happening! I grabbed the iPhone and visited my A boy with asperger’s Facebook page where everyone was so brilliant helping me find answers, making suggestions or just giving me a virtual hug!

The house was now silent, looking around his bedroom door I notice his laid out on the floor surrounded by a mass of Lego, I quietly pick up what seems like thousands of Lego bricks, I then slip a pillow under his head and place a cover across his body, kissing his forehead I then turn of the light (they is no way, I’ll even try to move him, if he wakes it could be an even longer night than it has already)!

I didn’t sleep for the remainder of that night, a host of things crammed my mind inducing a type of dull headache! What now? We have asked for help, but what with a massive waiting list for a CAMHS behavioural therapist, an LEA that avoid me like the black plague, I’m running out of options! Is there any respite? No! Do I look like it would help? Of course! With a Government only interested in throwing money at the 2012 games, I sadly hold little hope, after all our family situation isn’t as important as a sporting event is it? Well, it’s not every year we host an oympics…. but it’s everyday I host a meltdown, so…. I guess we will have to wait, after all we’re good at that, wouldn’t you agree?

Related articles

• Our worse ever meltdown & coping with little sleep (aspergersinfo.wordpress.com)
• Questioning your coping mechanisms (aspergersinfo.wordpress.com)
• Wait a second she did what?! (seattletimes.nwsource.com)
• What Makes a Bully? (education.com)
• Mainstream And Special Needs Schools (growingupautistic.wordpress.com)

Questioning your coping mechanisms

Image by rosefirerising via Flickr

Some days are great and others… not so great… yesterday was one of the latter!

Unfortunately a family row commenced at home yesterday (something I wont go into on the blog) however I do believe that as a result of this, a series of high-profile challenging behaviour was demonstrated by my little man. In all honesty, the behaviour was off the scale and I really did struggle to maintain sanity!

I do understand that arguments should not break out in front of children, especially those on the autism spectrum, already easily tipped into an overly anxious state of being, but I’m human and there are times certain situations commence, especially when you find half the arguments are caused by something or another your child on the spectrum may have done or said, worse the person who is arguing with you just can’t leave it a lone, refusing to stop!

I thought it would properly be a good idea to take the children to my mothers, we could see my mum and chill for a bit! Little man could spend some time playing the PS3 with my sister’s boyfriend and all should convert to something far merrier! My plan was going ever so well, though as the evening approached, little man began getting worse and worse… before I knew it, he was throwing a load of nasty swear words at me, why proceeding to kick, punch and lastly spit at me.

God I felt like running away and staying away! When your child has a tendency to throw a load of offensive nasties in your face, you tend to get used to it (in a wrong kind of way) though sometimes such obscenities hurt a thousand times more than any violence… and this time his awful name calling was becoming much to hard to bare. Little man finished his almighty meltdown with a hard punch in my arm and a thump in his sisters back, all while his little brother of two sat screaming! It was at this moment I actually thought… Maybe it would be better if his not here any more, maybe he should live some place else!

I felt such a mix of overbearing emotions as I tortured myself over the thought that had entered my head! I felt assumed and heartbroken how I could even think such a thing! Yet.. at that time as he stood showing no remorse for his actions and I watched how he continued to lash out at his sister, I know I couldn’t help it, I just couldn’t! Every time I stood trying so hard to reason with him, he’ll just laugh and swear! I seriously felt complete despair, lost on where we go from here! I just felt like going to bed forever!

Day’s like this, I wonder what happened to my Little red-haired boy? Though he was always noticeably different, he would sit watching his favourite Thomas video or sit happily playing (even if it was mainly alone… he seemed happy, that’s what counted)! Not anymore! I just see an angry child, who gets anxious, depressed, violent, and often acts in quite an evil and scary manner!

As my Little man grows into someone who actually doesn’t resemble that of a little man at all, I fear for him, I fear for us as a family! At 11 he is reaching the stages of puberty and with it I notice so much more anger, the ability to care less about the people who get hurt in the cross fire. I therefore question my ability to control such behaviour, longing for an answer! As the little man grows bigger, stronger and sadly more violent, I worry he will hurt himself, me or his siblings! Though there is one thing that I fear that little bit more…. Asking for help!

Related articles

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The stranger who got right on my wick

I like to write about the positive side to Asperger’s after all the first two years of this blogs content, was filled with nothing but rants, brought on by a mix of discrimination & my battles in obtaining appropriate education for Little man.

 However, I’m really sorry to do this to you all, but this is in-fact a “Rant” 

 Sometimes life isn’t all rosy and you need to unleash the not so good stuff… Today is one of those days!

 There are a few things troubling me that I need to get out my head and onto the blog, somehow just letting my fingers do the talking for me, helps me to adapt my mood and somehow go about getting on with things.  

 Now, the first is one that I’m convinced most will read and think, “Get Over It” and to be honest if you did, you would properly be right in thinking this, I should just “Get over it” I know this! However there are some days when something like this happens and it’s just the icing on the cake (so to speak)! 

 What am I rambling on about, I haven’t even told you what it is troubling me, yet here I am trying to justify my own thoughts! Well, basically I am hacked off by a person I’m pleased to say I have never had the privilege to meet, a complete and utter stranger who really shovelled a generous amount of judgemental bull in my direction! 

 So what! I deal with this shit daily, right? True! However I wasn’t in the most stable mood this day (Note this was a few days back) I was actually darting to a Halloween party in an attempt to save my panicking 11-year-old with a diagnosis of Aspergers, from a pending firework display. My iPhone pinged and alerted me that I had mail (email) this is when I discovered the comment below. 

I was reading that one difference between boys with aspergers and girls with aspergers is that girls mimic people around them and end up blending in with neurotypical people. I believe aspergers has a genetic base. I think you and your daughter also have aspergers. It also sounds like you favor your daughter over your son, and he notices and resents it. The most annoying thing with mothers with aspergers is that they think the way their children are acting is somehow done on purpose just to frustrate, like they thing they are the center of the universe, them when in fact children with aspergers are just trying to do what’s best for them.

  Yes, I’ve had crap like this before but this however really rubbed me up the wrong way. Now here’s what drives me that bit more crazy… You get dealt this type of ignorance, become somewhat fired up, yet all you can do is leave an angry “Mind your own business” reply, containing a fair portion of swear words (which I just about reframe from adding) as well as a load of typos that occur as a result of your mad frantic typing! Then you wait… and wait… In reality I don’t want to get into some full on bitching match with this numb nuts above, yet somewhere muddled within the haze of my angry mind, I want to see his response and I want it now! Yet it never comes, ever!

 I’m my head I was screaming you cheeky patronising *#¡# how dare you read just one, just one post and think you have the right to judge me as a parent! 

 What’s more, what right do you think you have to diagnosis not only myself but also my daughter as having “Aspergers” Goodness me, you have never even met either of us. 

 Oh… and you can cut the other crap about my son acting out his aggressiveness in the direction of his sister because he feels she is my favourite, thankfully you really don’t know me.

 Yes, this asshole thinks he knows it all, when actually he doesn’t even know the slightest. I don’t care if the individual has a diagnosis himself or is even a parent, he still has no sodding clue about me and my family!

 Here’s the thing people! I spend hours punishing myself mentally, due to the guilt I feel every single day! Guilt towards my daughter! Why? Because she deserves so much more attention then I have been able to offer. I spent days and nights, writing to schools, filing in complaint forms, collecting evidence for a discrimination case and more besides.

Then there were and still is the trips to CAMHS (child adolescents mental health service) the nights he sleeps in my bed though his far to old, yet if my daughter asks I have to state she can’t and this is purely because Little man would never sleep and likely complain with every movement she made. So, why not refuse to let my son? Consistency is sometimes hard to withstand when its 4am and his been sat outside your bedroom door since midnight in tears! 

 So, when I sit there thinking about this stranger who I have never met, sat at his computer typing this judgemental bull, when this mother has not had a wink of sleep in three days I tend to become a little bit touchy! 

 I would like to state quite loudly that although I love my son with Asperger’s and try to activity embrace the diagnosis, No, myself nor my daughter have Asperger’s.

How this conclusion was drawn from that one post almost makes me want to roll on the floor laughing but at the same time really rattled my cage!

 Now, here comes trouble number 2! I’m worried that once more, yet on a worse scale, my son’s aggressive and growing violent behaviour is going to draw to a serious end but only when his seriously hurt someone (who knows, maybe this won’t even draw an end to it)! 

 At 11 years old his tall for his age, and is no longer the skinny little boy he once was. His gaining strength and today he punched and kicked me so hard I feel to the ground. This was only after he had finished with his sister and I’d tried to intervene. 

 I hear the same thing from high-end professionals who claim that removing the trigger will solve such issues, but what if the trigger is his sister, seriously she only has to like something he likes for him to feel it’s justified to give her a dig. Planned ignoring wont help either! You can’t ignore one of your own children who you love dearly beating the hell out another, it’s just not  worth contemplating. 

Related articles

• Brain Science of Aspergers and Autism Pt. 2: Anger and emotion (wizzkids.wordpress.com)
• Just because I love him (aspergersinfo.wordpress.com)
• Aspergirls: A Subculture Within a Subculture (psychologytoday.com)
• Siblings and Autism: How Are Kids Affected by Special Needs Brothers and Sisters? (blogher.com)
• Brain Science of Aspergers and Autism Pt. 1: Sensory Overload (wizzkids.wordpress.com)

How well do you really know your child’s teacher?

How well do you know your child’s teacher? This Is a question I’ve had to ask myself a number times!

After a recent discovery, I would suggest you ask yourselves that very same question, regardless of whether your child has special educational needs or not!

Here’s why…

A few days back I made a horrid discovery that meant I had to continue on with my day with this great anger manifesting within me.

I had this inability to filter out the hideousness of it all, my blood was boiling and a thousand questions bashed away at me.

  Last year I joined the TES social network and forum. No, I’m not a teacher, however It was during a period of home schooling my Little man as a way to avoid permanent exclusion. I have seen some things on the site that I normally take with a pinch of salt, yet a few days back, on receipt of a monthly newsletter that changed.

The TES website is the main and biggest UK resource for educators or those working within education. It contains job listing, a resource centre, the latest updates in relation to education, a forum covering a large area of subjects up for discussion, downloads including work-sheets etc, and much more.

On opening the email I discovered the updates were all mostly aimed at new teachers in-way of tips and advice. As always I had a quick scoot through to see if there was anything in relation to SEN (Special educational needs) and the pending ‘Green Paper’ when something caught my eye. 

The header read: NQT (Newly qualified teachers) Advice

and under that a link that read,

“Arm yourself with a few of those tried and tested one liners and you’re ready to deal with the thickest pupils” 

 curious I hit the link and was taken to the TES Forum

It was here that I unearthed one of the most disgusting threads I have ever read.

This thread contained over 600 comments from UK teachers, there was over 60 pages and posts,  dated from 2008 to the current date.

This thread contained one liners and put downs provided by teachers, these contained methods of humiliation, bullying, discrimination, sarcasm, abuse, threaten violence and inappropriate  language (including that of a sexual content)

Now before I go any further, please let me explain why this thread had me so mad it had reduced me to angry tears!

First the comments were worrying and the one liners should not be used on ANY child, the way the teachers spoke to each was worrying, and the names they publicly referred to us and our kids, Sickening!

Secondly, My own son with Aspergers has been treated in such away and as a result he has self harmed by smashing his whole body into brick walls, banging his head and scratching his arms till they bleed. He, like many others with some form of autism, tends to take things with a literal interpretation meaning the use of  metaphors and sarcasm are most dangerous.

Below is an example taken from a screen shoot. This key stage one teacher isn’t particularly rude, however the way in which she speaks about her young pupil is cold and frightening. She states he winds her by not sitting still and continuing to touch children and objects (playing with their hair etc) I don’t know if I’m correct, I’m just a parent, but some of what she describes here highlights possible autism traits or SPD even.

All she wants to do, is give him a right telling off, but instead choses to mock him in front of his peers.

Classy!

If this child does have a condition like those I’ve stated above, or some form of special educational needs, this will undoubtedly knock an all ready low self-esteem.

Is this how you want your 7 year old treated when at school?

Now, Im sorry if this post is rather long, it would have gone on forever if I the time to include the high number of comments that outraged me so much I blogged about it!

I have taken some screen shoots but will not be able to include them all, I shoot over 100, So, I’ve also quoted a few of the so-called “tips”, and hideous boasts provided by what are meant to be highly qualified teachers.

The fact is, that there are over 600 comments within this one thread from Teachers who started commenting back in 2008, when the thread was started and happily continue on today in the same disgusting manner is highly wrong.

There were only a handful of outraged teachers who left comments to state their shock at some of the comments left by those who are sadly in the same profession, however they just responded by mocking them and starting nasty argumentative comments, nevertheless it was comforting to see one or two teachers who cared.

With over 600 comments, what’s the chances that one of these teachers is the teacher of your child?

Maybe not today, maybe not even next year, but one day!

I say let’s speak up for our children!

Lastly, before I share some of these shocking statements, I ask, how is it, that this hasn’t been picked up by the media?

Has it? if so why don’t most know this thread exists?

What ever the reasons, it’s worrying that our teachers are quite openly sharing these sick so-called ‘Tips’ while laughing their arises of at our children.

I warn you, If your easily shocked, then GOODBYE you really should stop reading NOW!

Below is the very first comment (which kicked of the thread in Januray 2008)

‘I’m having a real problem with behaviour at the moment. I’m not very good at quick responses to pupils comments. I know I shouldn’t get in to a discussion with them but I’d like to have one liners to use.
Can anyone think of any common things pupils say, and a quick come back that works. Other than of course just ignoring it, which I try to do with most silly comments.
Here’s one…
“This is boring..”

OK, guys here are some of the responses and in no particular order! (Note I corrected many of these teachers spelling mistakes, that’s shabby)

“To the usual issue between students with one complaining.. sir he…

‘Hold on….. you are mistaking me for someone that cares….. sort it out without violence’walk away and ignore the 2-3mins of poor behaviour” 

“There a fine line between comebacks and getting aggressive to get your revenge – normally the line depends on how much sleep I’ve  had”

“I teach a mixture of abilities in years 10 and 11. I remember a particular individual being silly and making the odd comment. My reply on one occasion was “how Jovian”. The individual thought this was a good thing. But the brighter students knew. They knew I was referring to the Jovian (as in the planet Jupiter) atmosphere between his ears. . . . Dense and uninhabited.”

“To a very mouthy, arrogant year 10 kid, who constantly demanded my attention “Miss, I NEED HELP NOW!”.

In a gentle, caring voice: “I know sweetheart, but you’ll have to accept it’s going to take some time. I’ve spoken to various pyschologists and psychiatrists, and we’ve agreed that, with a careful program of support and intervention, we may be able to help you”  

“What’s wrong with verbally flattening pupils, showing them up, if it’s what they need?”

“48 – Excellent answer.

22 and 44: “Are you gay?”

Reply:
1. “No, but thanks for the offer,”

2. “No, but I would be if I thought my next kid would turn out like you.”

3. “Let’s keep that between us.”

4. “No, but I’ve slept with a few people who are.”

5. “Yes, but I only fancy attractive people, so you’re safe.”

In regard to self esteem, if dwarfs can threaten me with violence and imbeciles can call me stupid, I think they’re not lacking in self esteem, merely in contact with reality: if they don’t meet defeat in the safe environment of me answering them back (however uncaring this might seem), then they will in later life when someone less patient punches their lights out (which is rather more uncaring.)”

“Y9 boy, ‘Sir, why do you support Millwall, they’re s**t!’

Me, ‘I know, but you’re ugly & your mum still loves you’.”

Whenever a kid says something along the lines of ‘You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dad’ I reply:

‘No, if I was you’re dad you wouldn’t be so ugly’

Today a child working said “this is shlt”. My reply was “Your work usually is!

“Ooh, ooh! I just can’t wait for September now I’ve seen this!”

“When some little darling is swearing at you say! Please stop swearing, you’re not at home now”

“To a child who is being loud, unruly, unco-operative etc:
“Look at Brett everybody, he’s forgotten to take his pill this morning. See what happens when you forget your pill”

 “Child: You’re gay sir

Teacher: Even if I was, I wouldn’t  fancy someone as ugly as you! Child: you’re a  crap teacher

Teacher: Perhaps, but at least I can read and write”

“Me muttering when walking away; ‘soap in a sock….leaves no marks…’
they look worried at that, think you have gone mad…”

“This is school, not the Muppet Show. “

“Best one ever was;

kid: ‘Do you use contraception miss?’

during a year 9 PSHE lesson. I was speechless for a second and then responded with;

‘Yes, I usually stick your photo to my boyfriend’s forehead, and it seems to do the trick!”

At which the other kids collapsed laughing and after about ten minutes of looking blankly at his exercise book, the kid in question said ‘Are you saying I’m ugly?”

 

“one of the best I heard was pupil to pupil.

Pupil 1: you’re f*cking ugly!
Pupil 2: yeah, well your mum ain’t complainin’ !”

“Ah bless, are you finding this really difficult? Usually works…”

“I have also managed to convince my class that the IWB projector, smoke detectors and alarm sensors in the school contain cameras-I’m sure this wouldn’t work with any children older than KS1 …’
Actually it still works with Year 9!”

Just remember that the Government plans to up teachers powers when dealing with behaviour!

Can you just imagine what will happen then?

Click here for the TES website & here for the thread in question.

Please leave your comments to show your thoughts and help get some action.

Related articles

• Michael Gove: Children need to be taught an unambiguous lesson in who is boss (telegraph.co.uk)
• Help approaching a teacher – (ask.metafilter.com)
• There is no such thing as Good or Bad Labels…they’re all Bad (ontarioeducation.wordpress.com)
• Taking the Special out of Special Education (ontarioeducation.wordpress.com)

The day I came close to breaking point

I would be telling lies if I said everyday was a good day in our house! Yes, we have had many bad days…Little man can often go weeks at a time without having a major paddy. However with my hand on my heart, Little man has never been as highly challenging as he was Yesterday (Tuesday, 08, September)

Things were pretty much “normal” when I collected him from school. He done a fair bit of moaning, not surprising given the times in which he finally goes  off to sleep of a night. I knew he must have been feeling pretty crappy, so didn’t pay too much attention to his name calling and stroppy ways. I had not prepared my self for what was to come that evening! My gosh it wasn’t pleasant

Tuesday 08 September 2010 would be a date I would remember for time to come, as I’m almost certain that this was the day I very near hit breaking point.

My nine (Very soon to become ten-year old) had gain total control over me! His mother. He seemed totally uncaring, selfish and extremely hateful towards me. Let me explain my meaning for TOTAL CONTROL! I had become so tired and sick of the situation we were now in. My son had me crying in public, I then went on to have a panic attack in the supermarket. Can you imagine the scene.. Mother with two of her children and her nephew stood on the food aisle in Sainsburys crying as her nine-year old throw himself around the store. Yes, his had the classic supermarket meltdowns but this was oh the DADDY of them all. He abused me with hurtful remarks, Throw items, refused to move, bashed his 7-year-old sister across the supermarket with a trolley, cried, jumped up and down screaming “Please, I said I was sorry”  as I contemplated leaving the shop. I considered running way, or better still screaming, nothing precise, Just screaming to let some frustration out! Instead I just ended up with a crying daughter, a migraine, and one hell of a panic attack. God only knows why it’s called a panic attack as I was far from panicking! I was just utterly exhausted, drained mentally, and shocked at the extent of the behaviour and worse the inability to care about mine and anybodies upset.

Not knowing if I was coming or going I realised that we were fast becoming a tourist attraction. I’m used to stares, unwelcome comments from snort nosed strangers. I don’t normally rise to such ignorance. However When some couple stopped to have a nose, like we were caged animals at the zoo I had no choice. Was the situation that bloody interesting? Well, this couple seem to think so and unlike other fellow shoppers peeking as they passed on by, These guys were grabbing their popcorn and were in the front row! Needless to say, they got their show! One which concluded with me asking if they had nothing better to do in their lives then stand watching us and somehow find our abominable display entertaining. Yes, they said nothing just scattered of shaking their heads. Our the trip came to an end with me having this panic attack and members of staff asking if I was Ok. I felt so silly! A panic attack over my child.. I kept thinking they would think I couldn’t cope! It’s ironic really, as stood there I felt like I couldn’t, and felt so for a good few minutes. Then I remember, the challenges we have faced together and I allow myself to have that breakdown, after all do they contend with things like this on a daily basis. Just like little man slowly filling up in till he explodes and it comes gushing out, I needed to do that too and at home laid in bed next to my daughter who was so tired and unable to cope with him constantly storming into her room name calling. I found myself crying again. Listening to him going up and down the hallway acting out the same bus routine he does every single day and night I wondered if he really did have feelings as today would suggest he didn’t!

I know my son does have feeling, if anything he can be over emotional. It just seems at times that he considers himself to be the only person in the world. ..I know that it was just a really bad day, ones I bound to see again, It just sometimes we get through them better then others.

.. Well, my children have been back in school for five days but have only attend three of them days. I emailed the AWO (attendance and welfare officer) who works for the LEA explaining why my children were not in school. How could they go to school that morning following the kind of day we had the day before ? My daughter didn’t sleep till the early hours and I managed a few hours only once I heard the announcements of random bus stops being shouted out, I knew it was safe to. This must have been at least 5am. I’m surprised the baby, my nine month old son got some sleep given the extent of the noise throughout the night.

I decided to go to the school to speak to little mans class teacher. Turns out that the teacher was away from class and told the children before leaving to behave or they may not attend the trip he was planning. Little man freaked when his friend started to misbehave and was now convinced there was no trip. Such a small thing can seem so big to Little man. Since I’ve told him that the trip is still on, his settled a lot more. Today was like yesterday never existed, and he was polite and well behaved. So Tuesday wasn’t a great school day. It was a worrying, anxious school day, which resulted in him coming home to take it out on mum. 😦 We have had worse things happen, worse days but never with this degree of challenging behaviour. It just goes to show, that our children on the spectrum can become bubbling volcanos within a second, No warning no sign. The smallest and most simplest thing to us, is the most huge to them. Challenging behaviour can be triggered by al sorts… You’ve been warned!!

Oh one last thing! I started smoking again after a year and a half. Yes, I was disappointed with myself, and it’s a stupid thing to do… But my god it felt so good! Stress & cigarets are a match made in heaven.