Tag Archives: Obsessive–compulsive disorder

#HAWMC DAY 12 – Stream of Consciousness

13 Apr

Today I looked in the mirror and stared at the reflection before me. I feel myself shudder before turning away quickly as I desperately try to block out the image I’ve just seen staring back at me.

How bloody superficial and yes, I suppose it is! Ok, I may not be back in my size 8 jeans despite my youngest transforming from baby to hyper 2-year-old, but life isn’t just about a jean size is it?

I’m no superficial chick, honestly I’m not. However, I am one who can find herself whirling down that downward spiral into the dark land of no mans land!

Many woman experience the issue of needing to feel comfortable in ones own skin, it’s just that for some… Things go a smudge too far!

I find it hard to write about my past demons when it comes to food. I’m pretty good at expressing my innermost thoughts through my writing especially when writing about my life as a parent and that of Little mans Aspergers Syndrome but this is different, something of a challenge!

Yes, there has been some soul pouring post, I’ve laid myself bear when writing about my almighty battle with OCD, to face it, reframe from fear and I guess… Live with it (that or the prospect it’s never far from sight).

I’ve also told of my journey to combat anxiety and the horror of the recurring panic attack… Unfortunately, these have never left my crowded mind and although I often tend to find myself chest high in the deep of things these often hit me at different periods within my life at least allowing me periods of time panic attack free.

Although I’ve written some pretty soul pouring post whether about discrimination, depression or something else all together my past eating disorder is something I hold back on, it’s not even a subject myself and family often speak about though it did land me in hospital at just 11 which still breaks my heart thinking about.

Regardless of how dispirited I feel when looking at my own reflection I try my best to bury any bad thoughts deep in my mind, I’m a mother of three children, I have my own 9-year-old daughter to set an example to.

So, here I am, trying to do things the right way! No quick fixes, no taking things that bit too far. The truth is no matter what I look like, how many nights I’ve spent awake resulting in huge black bags hanging under my eyes, I’ll never be 100% happy with myself! At my thinnest I continued to have them low days, that’s the problem, it’s a disorder, once you’ve lost them 5lbs you started off wanting to lose you go on to want to lose an additional 5lbs, then another and so on. I now try to see past my reflection! I know I have many good qualities… I’ve just got to love them that little bit more!

Post 12/30 in the wego health callenge #HAWMC

#HAWMC DAY 11 – My Blogs Crazy Theme Tune

11 Apr

So today I was told to imagine my health focus or blog was getting its own theme song, what would it be?

Apparently we all have one, the song that is top of our playlist, the one that makes us smile when we hear it. Or maybe it’s the song that we play when we’re angry or sad.

I thought long and hard about the question and suddenly it dawned on me… My theme tune has to be “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley.

Yes, it’s one of my all time favourite songs and thinking about it I now know why this is!

You see, I mostly write about my life as a parent of a child on the autism spectrum which at times makes me feel like I’m somewhat crazy. I have also written a number of post about my own battles with mental health, OCD, depression, an eating disorder and that of anxiety (something that plays a huge part in Little Man’s life too).

I often find that the song “Crazy” is being blasted down my ear canal as I type a blog post, I guess I’ve never really stood back and seen just how much I relate to the lyrics and how the song applies to myself and that of my blog!

Here’s the lyrics…

I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind

There was something so pleasant about that place.

Even your emotions had an echo in so much space.

And when your out there without a care,

Yer I was out of touch,

but it wasn’t because I didn’t know enough I just knew to much.

Does that make me crazy?

Does that make me crazy?

Does that make me crazy?

Possibly

And I hope that you are having the time of your life, but think twice, that’s my only advice.

Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,

Ha ha ha bless your soul,

you really think your in control…

Well, I think your crazy

I think your crazy

I think your crazy

Just like me….

My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb

And all I remember thinking, I want to be like them

Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun

And it’s no coincidence I’ve come

And I can die when I’m done

Maybe I’m crazy

Maybe I’m crazy

Maybe I’m crazy

Probably

Uh, uh

Here’s a youtube video of the real thing… Enjoy you crazy readers!

Post 11/30 of the wego health #HAWMC

#HAWMC DAY 10 – Dear 16-Year-Old Me

10 Apr

Dear 16-year-old me…

Yes, I know you think it will be easy, move to Spain living the high life with your pals, pals that will actually be long gone by your 17th Birthday! Surprised?

You will be!

Do you think the world owes you little girl? It owes you nothing, in fact you need to brace yourself for the ride of your life, a roller coaster that will leave you clinging, one so fast and furious you’re not know if you’re coming or going!

Life owes us nothing and you’ll soon discover this!

Here’s some valuable advice to start you on your journey.

You’ll face some difficult times, ones that test your inner strength more than you’ll ever know possible.

You’ve already come so far, though metal health will always remain a big part of your life. Stop hiding from it, deal with it, life is far simpler this way.

You’ll continue your battle with OCD but as you grow, you’ll grow stronger and every now and then you’re realise how you’ve grabbed it by the balls.

You’ll become a young mum, but a good one. Your journey through parenthood wont always be an easy one but it will be an awarding one at that.

Your first-born son will be diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome at age 7, you’ll use so much strength obtaining the diagnosis you’ll have little left to digest it!  

Remember, those who are meant to understand probably wont, don’t waste your energy trying to make them… take it one step at a time.

You, have so much to offer, though you don’t know it yet god has a plan, it’s a pretty good one too.

Eating disorders, anxiety and OCD, you’ll thing you’ve faced it all, only life has some surprises, you’ll get through them your strong.

You’ll discover that schools are not what you thought they were when you discover how the child you love is so cruelly discriminated against and at this point you’ll be gearing up for the hardest battle yet.

You’ll learn all there is to learn when it comes to special educational needs, but your determination will see you through it and this determination will then be used in the most powerful of ways.  

You’ll endure the heart breaking pain of losing a pregnancy and never meeting your twins, but you’ll be greeted with the beautiful toddler you have today.

By age 30, you’re the mother of three beautiful children and though life can be hard at times, you know your blessed with the most precious of gifts one could ask for. 

Oh yes, right now you hate to write, actually you loath it! The funny thing is, this will become your love, you’ll write everything, your life becomes an open book, one you hope inspires others… writing is what you now do, you even bag yourself an award for doing it so well.

Yes, little Claire Louise, I see you hold your tummy as you laugh yourself into a frenzy… just you wait and see!

Blog 10/30 in the wego health #HAWMC 

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