Falling Apart

This post is totally extemporaneous! There was no draft, theme nor great idea.

Yet here I am writing, undecided if I’ll even publish this! I guess if you’re reading this then I must have got adventures, that or damn right brave!

You see, right at this very moment I’m apprehensive, somewhat stressed, extremely exhausted and in all earnestness, a little angry. I therefore apologise in-advance for any rambling nonsense that makes no sense to you, like it does to me.

Right now I feel the need to express myself, yet I have this inability to verbalise what it is I need to say. Who it is I need to say it to is beyond me… So, I’ll just write it here instead!

These past few weeks have been crazy, I dunno where my heads at right now! One part of me has been excited about all the great stuff going on, what with the Mad blog awards and the achievement of having been shortlisted in two categories, “Most Inspiring” and the big one “Blogger of the year. Then there’s the fact I’m off to Cybermummy on the 25th thanks to the lovely people at lego duplo! The other part of me resembles that of a total stress head.

I know we all have weeks like these, the not so good ones, but I’m really struggling to get my mind frame as it should be!

Sometimes I read post and comments that relate to myself and the blog… Some write some awesome things, giving me credit for the way I parent and handle life’s challenges. Although these comments uplift me, encourage me and make me smile, I somehow feel a cheat for allowing such presumptions to be made.

Why? I’m no super-mummy, far from it! Sometimes I questions my ability to do this whole mothering lark, but don’t we all at some point? I know I’ve come a long way emotionally in these past few years, I’ve had to! Yet there are them times I feel like I’m running on a treadmill going faster and faster, so fast I can’t keep up. I keep going till suddenly someone presses the button and I fall of! When I’m off, I struggle to get back on.

People need to know the whole me, I’m human though sometimes I feel far from it. I make mistakes and sometimes I wish I had done things differently!

To think that a great deal of you find me and the blog inspiring means more to me then some will ever know. Days such as yesterday I fail to see myself in such a light, especially when I found myself absconding to the safety of my bedroom, closing the door behind me, sinking to the ground and sobbing like a baby! Take last week for an example… Having just attended another independent assessment (OT) with little man (not a great assessment) Little man become anxious when I took a couple of wrong turns getting us a tad lost! A stream of obscenities were thrown my way. They kept coming at me faster and each more shocking than the last… I was stood outside Loui Vuitton on New Bond Street, sobbing into my hands (and this wasn’t over my realisation that the beautiful Loui Vuitton oversized bag in the window would never be apart of my life, though this did make me a little sad) I should have been calming him, ignoring the shocked faces of the appalled public and as I normally would… Got on with it!

It takes a lot to get me on this level, things a lot worse have happened in-which I’ve dealt with in a calmer manner! You take so much, then that one thing just does it, makes you snap… no matter what the magnitude! These are the times I am overcome with guilt and question my ability to manage! I then feel selfish that its me I’m thinking about as opposed to him! Do you know how hard that is?

Wow, seriously I haven’t slept in nights, maybe that’s my reason for this, “I feel so sorry for myself post” Maybe this attempt of a post, will be one I regret! The post you wished you never wrote… We all have them… Don’t we?

I’m not to sure how this post is planning out, what it sounds like! I’ve not read a bit back nor corrected one-off those spelling mistakes I see as its been so kindly underlined in red (cheers Mac) I’m In a zone… and for all I know this could sound like complete and utter, “Shit!” I feel a certain amount of pressure removed from my head, does that mean I’m almost done? All these worries I have manifesting together as to create one huge headache have been difficult to shift. I have struggled to partition each into its own place dealing with each issue one at a time… In actual fact… I feel close to crazy!

Little man has had a grand total of nine explosive meltdowns in a little under a two-week period. These have impacted on the whole family, each one off us getting to grips with it as best we can. Meltdowns have been had for an array of reasons, such as… Stressful OT assessment; the issue of me getting lost on the monopoly board; a line failure on the jubilee line; a broken down bus; late school transport and complete lack of sleep.

These issues may well seem trivial to some, but to little man they are real everyday factors that cause him distress. Can you imagine how hard that must be, the loss all control, the struggle to self regulate your emotions… I wish people would consider such things when staring, judging or worse laughing, this only makes him worse. (Yes, sadly some find it amusing!)

As well as the meltdowns I’m unhappy to report a more worrisome issue! Given Little man’s anxiety and his inability to get much sleep has unfortunately lead to two panic attack. I felt both helpless and guilty at not being able to keep him safe from such horrible attacks. Both occurred in the small hours and when he begged for an ambulance, I almost complied! Being a person who has suffered from these attacks from a very young child… I was able to distinguish  between a medical emergency and anxiety. He felt at ten years old like he was having a heart attack as electric had entered his body and was unable to get out. (It hadn’t bless him.) He paces, opened doors and windows in a desperate attempt to breathe … It took some time but we got through them together!

Sleeping like a baby, I looked at my child laid on my bed now so peaceful. I wondered what I needed to do next? What does the foreseeable future hold for my child? I slide down the bed to the floor cried, not just a bit but more tears than I knew possible… I felt so lost a feeling I haven’t felt for such a long time! I was worried what tomorrow would bring, would he endure the same thing?

Right now I hated the big man In the sky, for my son is just a child, why can’t he be left alone!

I’ve finally gone Mad & proud of it

Stop it, I know I’m not the full ticket, but that’s not here nor there!

This really isn’t about putting the milk in the washing machine nor falling asleep while stood at the kitchen sink attempting the washing up! This is a different kinda ‘Mad’ altogether!

Do you remember around a month or so ago, when I wrote my shameless, ‘SOS’, post that mostly consisted of a load of begging and up-front pleading form me? Well, I’m here to deliver my second dose of classy begging as last time your kindness resulted in me reaching the finals! Yes, I’ll repeat that incase you missed it! “I’VE MADE IT TO THE FINAL!” and the final I’m referring to that of the, ‘Mad blog awards 2011‘, in which I’m shortlisted in the category, ‘Most Inspiring Mad blogger‘, sponsored by ‘Mothecare’. I’m really chuffed to be shortlisted alongside such talent.

But hang on in there tiger! That’s not it! Hell yer there’s more! I also made it onto the shortlist for the ‘ Mad Blogger Of The Year 2011’ sponsored by the fabulous ‘Parentdish‘ this sees me placed alongside five other very talented parent bloggers, who have some fantastic blogs! This category is not decided by the public but instead a judging panel.

Wow! I have to say that I feel truly honoured and thank everyone who put me there in both categories. You’ve helped me achieve this big fat cheesy smile that’s currently spread across my chops. Gosh it’s gonna take a hell of a lot to burst this mummy’s bubble. I can’t remember the last time I was this excited about anything which is why I’m holding onto this feeling with both hands.

Well, given that it worked last time it only seems logical to do it again, “begging that is” which is pretty much made up of…

“PLEASE, PLEASE, LOOK I’M ON MY HANDS AND KNEES!” or “PLEASE VOTE FOR ME, I’LL LOVE YOU ALL FOREVER AND EVER!”

On a more serious note (though the above was no joke), I would like to state that what really touched me is the fact my readers took them two minutes or so out their day to vote for little old me! I really mean it when I say you guys are totally ace.

I remember when I first embanked on my blogging journey, becoming part of the mummy blogging gang. Of course I didn’t see myself as part of anything at that time, I purely found comfort in writing down my thoughts, fears and hopes. In all honesty I never really considered it being of interest to anyone but me! After all, Who want’s to know? Then you get that very first comment! I remember mine clearly, a fellow mother who had a child & hubby on the autism spectrum! She reached out and without actually knowing so, she reassured me, “I wasn’t alone & showed me that,Yes people were interested in the blog”

As for the diagnosis, its like a roller-coaster of emotions! You don’t only learn a lot about yourself but those around you. Some become closer but some of the closest disappear.

There was a point at the time of diagnosis and that leading up to it, when Little man would not attend school (full on school refusal). This wasn’t dealt with by offering some form of support, but instead by taking me to court. It’s ironic really given my son has been school-less for the past 7 months due to mainstream no longer meeting his needs & no other school willing to take him on. The school attendance officer had written in a formal letter to our CAMH’S practitioner,“I can’t see why she would cry! Her son has a cousin with autism” This was in response to a letter the practitioner had written informing her that he considered it likely that Little man was on the autism spectrum possibly with Aspergers syndrome (which he went on to be formal diagnosed with just over a year later) He wanted the school attendance officer to know this alongside my reaction to the news, stating that they should reconsider court action, instead offering support wherever needed. Her comment was a great example of ignorance in its boldest form, sadly there was plenty more to come.

What I’m trying to get across to you all is that this blog came about in one off our darkest hours! Amazingly though its now become a real positive platform that also opened so many doors, one being to the wider community of mummy bloggers (with or without children on the spectrum).

Although a large number of us have faced some laborious situations, hurdles with a string of challenges to over come, and those constant battles to obtain the basics, such basics that without your child having ever received a diagnosis you would properly never have believed such necessities could be restricted from any child’s reach. You find out what really lies behind the school gates, you sit in the head-teachers office at your child’s school more often then you did your own when you were a child. Nonetheless I hope this blog shows that no matter how hard things become, you do get through it, and do so that bit wiser, stronger and if anything more determined.

What started as just my own personal diary changed over time. Although I still blog about the day-to-day life of parenting three children, one with Aspergers, I wanted to be sure to share anything of use, hear what others had to say and offer support where possible. It became my aim to reach out to parents of diagnosed children, especially those of newly diagnosed children as I was quite aware of that feeling of isolation that nearly always accompanies a diagnosis of autism. I also wanted to connect with those on the spectrum, and anyone else willing to listen. Importantly I wanted to try and remove some of the stereotype views & stigma surrounding autism & aspergers, that often lies with those who don’t have the privilege of knowing someone on the spectrum.

I want my writing to empowered other parents to speak out or to simply see that a diagnosis of autism doesn’t have to be a bad thing (after all that diagnosis entitles your child to services that were previously beyond their reach) If my story has helped just the one family, that’s an achievement itself.

Someone once told me “To beg is not classy” Now when did you ever hear me say I was classy? I’ve thrown all caution to the wind by deciding to get fully involved in the awards, “which I must add are totally amazing” If this involves getting down and dirty with the self-promotion then so be it! After all I’m proud of my little space and if sharing it makes it that bit bolder. That can only be a good thing.

So please If you fancy making this mummy’s day then please visit, ‘The Mad blog Awards 2011’ and Vote 4 me Aka, ‘A boy with Asperger’s as the ‘Most Inspiring Mad Blogger’

Lots of love Claire