Tag Archives: Miscarriage

#HAWMC DAY 10 – Dear 16-Year-Old Me

10 Apr

Dear 16-year-old me…

Yes, I know you think it will be easy, move to Spain living the high life with your pals, pals that will actually be long gone by your 17th Birthday! Surprised?

You will be!

Do you think the world owes you little girl? It owes you nothing, in fact you need to brace yourself for the ride of your life, a roller coaster that will leave you clinging, one so fast and furious you’re not know if you’re coming or going!

Life owes us nothing and you’ll soon discover this!

Here’s some valuable advice to start you on your journey.

You’ll face some difficult times, ones that test your inner strength more than you’ll ever know possible.

You’ve already come so far, though metal health will always remain a big part of your life. Stop hiding from it, deal with it, life is far simpler this way.

You’ll continue your battle with OCD but as you grow, you’ll grow stronger and every now and then you’re realise how you’ve grabbed it by the balls.

You’ll become a young mum, but a good one. Your journey through parenthood wont always be an easy one but it will be an awarding one at that.

Your first-born son will be diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome at age 7, you’ll use so much strength obtaining the diagnosis you’ll have little left to digest it!  

Remember, those who are meant to understand probably wont, don’t waste your energy trying to make them… take it one step at a time.

You, have so much to offer, though you don’t know it yet god has a plan, it’s a pretty good one too.

Eating disorders, anxiety and OCD, you’ll thing you’ve faced it all, only life has some surprises, you’ll get through them your strong.

You’ll discover that schools are not what you thought they were when you discover how the child you love is so cruelly discriminated against and at this point you’ll be gearing up for the hardest battle yet.

You’ll learn all there is to learn when it comes to special educational needs, but your determination will see you through it and this determination will then be used in the most powerful of ways.  

You’ll endure the heart breaking pain of losing a pregnancy and never meeting your twins, but you’ll be greeted with the beautiful toddler you have today.

By age 30, you’re the mother of three beautiful children and though life can be hard at times, you know your blessed with the most precious of gifts one could ask for. 

Oh yes, right now you hate to write, actually you loath it! The funny thing is, this will become your love, you’ll write everything, your life becomes an open book, one you hope inspires others… writing is what you now do, you even bag yourself an award for doing it so well.

Yes, little Claire Louise, I see you hold your tummy as you laugh yourself into a frenzy… just you wait and see!

Blog 10/30 in the wego health #HAWMC 

My Halloween Miscarriage

27 Oct

Back in September 2008 I discovered I was pregnant,  things were quite stressful with Little man and we were yet to get his diagnosis. However regardless, I was both excited and happy at discovering I was going to be a mummy again.

 Halloween 2008 I took the children trick or treating around some of the local neighbours houses. Little man spotted the white house decorated in bright orange and greens, that stood on the corner of our road. It was a house the children had visited before, the owners had children that went to the same school as mine. I remember thinking how stunning it looked, not only had they gone all out in decorating it for the Halloween season but they had just undergone a massive refurbishment to the in and outside of the house, adding a conservatory and an extension to the side of the house to add extra rooms (well, so I was informed).

 Little man slung open their gate and ran for the shiny new door with its bronze heavy knocker. I chased after him, dragging my daughter behind me. I didn’t want Little man knocking alone, I don’t know how many times I had imposed that rule.

 Here’s where I am convinced my nightmare began. As I walked up to the door to retrieve my child, I suddenly fell to the ground.

 I had fallen hard onto my shins and a pain so fierce shoot up my back like fire. I looked down and noticed I had fallen down a gap in the ground, separated by two thick planks of wood. It’s hard to explain, but it was like missing paving but deeper. The family had obviously not yet finished their refurb, so why was the house done up like a witches paradise with a big sign stuck in the ground that read, “Trick and treaters stop here”

 My shins had taken the force of my fall, so why had this pain rocketed up my back? This pain was so bad I was crying. The owners giggled at first asking me “couldn’t you see the big gap in the ground” Were these people crazy it wasn’t daylight the sky was black.

 I don’t remember much else apart from me screaming in pain and anger to the woman of the house, that she shouldn’t be encouraging children to knock when her house is a death trap. I called my sister who took over with the children and I went home and feel asleep.

 3 weeks after this happened I sadly attended a friends funereal and after that during the wake I discovered a small amount of blood when using the toilet. A friend and her partner rushed me to our local hospital where they confirmed my HCG levels were low.

 I was sent home and told to return to my 12 week scan as normal if nothing else happen. Nothing else did happen and with each day passing I grew more confident.

 I refused to have anybody come with me to that scan at the end of November 2008, why would I need anyone there I could always bring a picture home with me.

 As I lay there with my heart in my mouth I felt the cold jelly being placed on my stomach. It wasn’t long before the Doctor looked at me and shook her head, she got up and went to fetch someone else who confirmed that my baby had no heartbeat.

 I didn’t know what I would tell my children and their father, I called my friend and we both cried, the pain I felt was hideous and I just wanted it all to stop.

 The Doctor explained that I had actually lost the baby some weeks before as I was carrying a 8-9 week fetus. I had what the Doctor called a ‘Missed Miscarriage’ meaning there were no signs, no pain, no nothing.

 I would wait till the Monday another 3 days before having a D&C.

 I went home with that fetus that would never grow and be born still inside of me. I curled up on the sofa, refused to eat or talk. My partner had told the children and Little man kept asking me the same question over and over.

 “Did the baby die on Halloween mummy”

 It was a long weekend and I tried to get on with things. While coming home on the train having been at a friends, the pain that I was meant to have felt all them weeks ago suddenly filled me. I got of the train and my friend tried to get a cab. I wouldn’t go to the hospital I knew what was happening. I just wanted it to happen indoors. Thankfully it did. There was a lot of blood and at home in my toilet I finally passed with one massive scream, what had felt like a golf ball. I spent the night crawled up in bed crying but deep down I was pleased that I could now move on.

 I called the hospital on the Monday but was told to come in for a scan just to make sure everything had passed.

 Again I laid there and waited, but when she jumped up to go and get the doctor I felt false hope. Was they wrong, but I’m bleeding, maybe it’s a big mistake? It was  a big mistake but not like I had hoped! There on the monitor was a fetus but not the same fetus but its twin that had continued to fight on for longer than its sibling. Sadly there was now no heartbeat but baby 2 measured up at 11 weeks. I wondered why it wasn’t seen before and later learnt it was the positioning.

 I went through that pain all over again, I cried double the tears and I woke from that D&C feeling like I had failed.

 This was in December 2008 and I went on to become pregnant with my beautiful Harley in the February of 2009 (not even 3 months later) I was both excited yet so bloody scared.

 Harley was born in December 2009 a healthy 9lb one year after my D&C

 Yes, I will always wonder if that white house on the corner was the killer of my unborn babies.

 I know that my children wont be calling their this year, that’s for sure!

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