The above is a scary resemblance to that of myself this weekend.
I drag my tired arse from my warm cosy pit and head for the ladies room… I sit peeing, staring blankly into space, pjs round ankles… I suddenly jump… Crap I’m falling from a very high mountain. Oh, no I’m not… I’m just falling a sleep mid pee and almost weeing on the flooring… God I feel like crap!
I do a dirty by not flashing the chain, I don’t want anyone of my three little “Darlings” waking up and joining me as I indulge my morning senses in the aroma of an instant coffee. I splash my face with ice cold water in the hope it will leave me beautiful and head out coffee in hand to my chair in the garden for a very unhealthy but extremely satisfying cigarette. I suck in the beautiful sounds of nothingness, bracing myself for the madness which is never far away.
It’s 8am, it’s a Saturday… Why am I even awake. I don’t need to get any children to school… I don’t need to worry about that for a whole 6 weeks! Shouldn’t I be sleeping… After all the children are!
When your child has kept you awake till 6am before crashing out and then so rudely snoring in such a way it almost resembles the Eastenders theme tune, you kinda don’t see the point of running for your duvet given the birdies are tweeting, the sun is peeking over the rooftops and anytime soon a 2 year old will be stood beside you demanding Cocopops and CBeebies.
Of course it was my 11 year old Little man who didn’t sleep till the insane hours of Saturday morning. I tossed and turned, yet hearing him commentate yet another imaginative WWE match (that’s World Wrestling Entertainment for those of you that didn’t know) was just to disturbing! I always hold this fear In the Pitt of my stomach, that little man will do something dangerous or destructive while I drift slowly into wonderland! Yer…. It’s just never gonna happen is it!
As I write that I have a moment of reflection… I really do need to sleep!
Melatonin is the not so amazingly magical supplement little man chucks down the back of his neck with the aid of a glass of juice almost every night In order to get some much needed sleep and allow everyone else some too. It slow releases and this is meant to mean that it helps him stay asleep all through the night. Melatonin is not a strong sedative, it’s actually something we all produce naturally… Only those on the autism spectrum seem to not produce enough. It sometimes has a desired effect and I find this is once we start reusing it having stopped it for a couple of days. This is why I will normally stop giving it to him on a weekend or have a break every few weeks. As you can tell from my lack of sleep, Melatonin wasn’t something that was working for us Friday night, little man needs to fall asleep within an hour of taking them or you can just wave goodbye to that beautiful nights sleep you regularly dream up in your head!
Well, by now I’ve drowned my insides with a third mug of coffee (yes… Mug, not cup) and I’ve noticed that my one lonely stinking dog end in the ashtray has now been join by two stinky companions. I head for the bathroom to cleanse the morning sins from my tired body… That actually means I head of to scrub away the toxins with “Soap and Glory”. I then power up the electric toothbrush and have a good go at tackling the morning breath that formed despite my lack of kip. Basically this is an attempt to resemble something living again!
As I stand slapping lashings of moisturiser onto my face, I glance up into the mirror… “FFS… Na, I don’t look like this In the flesh… Surly!” I reason with myself that this old shabby mirror has turned evil in an attempt to make me feel a tad more crap. Seriously there is no way possible that this 30 year old woman is the host of the largest, darkest eye bags she’s ever seen in her life. Despite my reasoning that the mirror has it in for me I decide to pull out the big guns just in case. I dash to the bedroom to uncover the super wand (that would be “Touché éclat) and one of my many bottles of whitening eye drops. I ignore the suggestion of light dabbing around the eye area instead really going to town on it like Lynda Barker slapping paint onto a feature wall… Only I’m meant to be hiding these deep dark rings that ever so slightly resemble tescos bag for life! For some reason unknown to me… Touché éclat is acting as a highlighter! The darkness has faded leaving what looks like shiny shallow graves that scream “Everyone, check out the state of me… Check out this record breaking piss holes in the snow” then just as I’m about to have a mini tantrum I have a cartoon moment as a lightbulb flashes above my head… Ping… Yes, brilliant I shoot out loud as I once more embark on a second mad dash to the bedroom… Only this time I emerge with my biggest pair of sunnies.
This is a brilliant plan, now there is no need to coat my lashes in Benefits Bad Lash, instead I can safely hide my shopping bags under the dark oversized lense! Thank goodness the suns shining.
The children’s father arrives and I take my over caffeinated self out the door in the direction of newsagents for a newspaper and some more caffeine in the form of a red bull light. The sun somehow helps wash away the yucky energy drained feeling consumed within me. Earphones lodged in ears I block out the sound of the traffic to the sounds of “We be burnin” by Sean Paul. Wait, I almost feel myself again, I’m winning the war against sleep deprivation… Oh yes… I’m smiling like a twat, I finally have a spring in my step.
Inside the newsagents I grab my paper and a couple of cans of “Wings” and head to the counter with a “Good morning, what beautiful wheather we’re having” kinda attitude. I’ve lived in the area years so of course I know the owners and their sons who are of the same age if not a year or two younger. For this reason polite chit chat always flows easily. On this particular Saturday morning its one of the sons who is serving and once we have engaged in small talk he rings up my items and hits me with the bill. The oversize sunnies have made everything dark so as I dig around in my handbag for my purse, I remove the glasses from my eyes and push them up onto my messy morning barnet. As I place the money in his hand our eyes connect… No, this isn’t a love story far from it actually! The expression upon this guys face was one that I can only discribe as fright, its one that reminded me that those oversize sunnies now sat up on my head where actually on my eyes for a reason… Shit!
Silence… Then he let out a slight chuckle before saying “I’m guessing you had a great night last night” with a nod and a grin.
By now I don’t no if I’m gonna drop to the shop floor and uncontrollable sob, run away or just die there and then! Remember this guy has pretty much confirmed in a round about manner that I look a right mess. I stand frozen in shock with the sudden realisation that my mirror has no evil motive… Omg i think as i flick the glasses back over my puffy eyes.
However, what happened next isn’t what one would expect. Sometimes I shock myself!
Instead of just running off, I instead find myself suddenly indulging this guy in what can only be described as utter total bullshit…. Yes verbal nonsense that is bursting at the seam pokies, over imaginative make believe that I can only blame on the days spent engaging in hours of imaginative play with a tiny tot (I gotta blame someone after all)!
“Not half… Didn’t get home till after 6 am” I said while trying to do my best impression off a nodding Churchill dog.
“Did you go into town” he asks
Oh god, here it comes… A second helping of verbal diarrhoea…
“Of course, I only go out in the West End these days… Not keen on the nightlife locally”
What…? Stop it Claire! Your lucky if you get out at all let alone the West End! Get out of here you silly women with make believe social life…. stop telling the man porkies! Yes, I hear my inner voice… Only my self control has suddenly pissed off when I need it most!
Oh… crap, here’s another helping! Somebody stop me please… To late!!!
“Well, first we, that’s myself and mate, had a few drinks in Leicester Square before heading down to the coliseum in Vauxhall”
Justifying the look of death with dancing in social settings failed to pay off as hoped.
That’s enough already you crazy sad freak… Your a total nutty fantasist… Home with you!
But I just couldn’t stop the easy flow of bullshit that seemed to be uncontrollably slipping of the edge of my tongue.
Oh ghosh… Here comes some more…
“Actually it was an awesome night” I said in an excited tone.
Mmmm… Really what night? Screams the inner voice I’m continuously ignoring for no good reason!
“They did happy hour every hour on the hour and you could enjoy a fishbowl of whatever cocktail you liked from the menu for just eight quid… *giggle* Needless to say I got a bit merry hence my morning presence and need for red bull” I let out a puff of air blowing my hair from over my face, somehow indicting how busy my social life is these days.
You see… I may look like death warmed up in a microwave but I got off my tits on cocktails.
Surly that’s enough fibs for today!
But the conversation was clearly not finished….
He let out a confused laugh… “Strange I was there last night and I didn’t hear of any happy hour! In fact drinks were hugely over priced just as they always are!”
Oh… Crap, Crap, Double Crap.
Burning cheeks and a couple of heart palpitations later the realisation sets in! OMG… my verbal diarrhoea has been uncovered as just that, i’m left feeling totally stupid and crazy! This has all been rolled into one huge shameful mass of bullshit! What have I become?
I responded with the words “Oh that is strange” before making my super speedy exist quickly followed by power walking as opposed to strolling up the street in an attempt to reach the comfort of home where I can be safe from infecting others with verbal diarrhoea. Please, don’t let me see anyone I know! They may approach me for small talk… I’m not responsible for the rubbish I’m speaking today, nor am I responsible for the scariness hidden beneath these oversize TopShop sunnies! Faster… Come on, get inside before you make yourself look like an even sadder and bigger tit then you already have! Its safe to say i’ve now acquired a little more than a spring in my step… This has transformed itself into something of giant leaps as speedily hurry for the safety of home.
I dunno why I got so carried away with my little “White Lie” that same little white lie that ended up biting me on the bum. I guess at the moment dancing under the strobe lights amongst the artificial smoke seemed a much more interesting story! If i’m being totally honest… Which i swear i am now… I probably liked the idea of actually having the energy for a night on the tiles, this and the fact that sleep deprivation would have been a choice i made instead of an unavoidable situation I regularly find myself in. I’m not ashamed of the reality, after all that reality is my life. Little man along with his siblings are my everything and although some days I deal with things like a pro I understand that as a human being I have to embrace those other few crappy days too, that or lose the few marbles I have left! Aspergers accompanied with its many traits (sleeping or the lack of it being just one of them) is a huge part of our lives and that is “mostly” fine…. I guess I just had a moment of madness… I just let my imagination run away with me! I mean fishbowls… Whatever next!
For me I guess it was a stroke of bad luck! How unfortunate, out of all the night clubs in all the country, why oh why did I choose to revolve my bullshit around the one club he actually spent his Friday night.
This over tired but very imaginative mother really needs to get her head down on a firm pillow and engage in some hardcore sleeping action in order to recharge those flagging brain cells. Because if she doesn’t, the danger is that she will turn into fantasist which in english terms is what one would describe to be a total “Bullshitter” and not a very good one at that!
Finally this was me Saturday night… Unconscious, quite literally knocked out for the count… Some would describe me as dead. Oh thank good I wasn’t shoved in a freezer then buried alive! Ps… Yes Little man did wreak the house while I slept but at least he didn’t burn it to the ground… Touch wood!