Questioning your coping mechanisms

Image by rosefirerising via Flickr

Some days are great and others… not so great… yesterday was one of the latter!

Unfortunately a family row commenced at home yesterday (something I wont go into on the blog) however I do believe that as a result of this, a series of high-profile challenging behaviour was demonstrated by my little man. In all honesty, the behaviour was off the scale and I really did struggle to maintain sanity!

I do understand that arguments should not break out in front of children, especially those on the autism spectrum, already easily tipped into an overly anxious state of being, but I’m human and there are times certain situations commence, especially when you find half the arguments are caused by something or another your child on the spectrum may have done or said, worse the person who is arguing with you just can’t leave it a lone, refusing to stop!

I thought it would properly be a good idea to take the children to my mothers, we could see my mum and chill for a bit! Little man could spend some time playing the PS3 with my sister’s boyfriend and all should convert to something far merrier! My plan was going ever so well, though as the evening approached, little man began getting worse and worse… before I knew it, he was throwing a load of nasty swear words at me, why proceeding to kick, punch and lastly spit at me.

God I felt like running away and staying away! When your child has a tendency to throw a load of offensive nasties in your face, you tend to get used to it (in a wrong kind of way) though sometimes such obscenities hurt a thousand times more than any violence… and this time his awful name calling was becoming much to hard to bare. Little man finished his almighty meltdown with a hard punch in my arm and a thump in his sisters back, all while his little brother of two sat screaming! It was at this moment I actually thought… Maybe it would be better if his not here any more, maybe he should live some place else!

I felt such a mix of overbearing emotions as I tortured myself over the thought that had entered my head! I felt assumed and heartbroken how I could even think such a thing! Yet.. at that time as he stood showing no remorse for his actions and I watched how he continued to lash out at his sister, I know I couldn’t help it, I just couldn’t! Every time I stood trying so hard to reason with him, he’ll just laugh and swear! I seriously felt complete despair, lost on where we go from here! I just felt like going to bed forever!

Day’s like this, I wonder what happened to my Little red-haired boy? Though he was always noticeably different, he would sit watching his favourite Thomas video or sit happily playing (even if it was mainly alone… he seemed happy, that’s what counted)! Not anymore! I just see an angry child, who gets anxious, depressed, violent, and often acts in quite an evil and scary manner!

As my Little man grows into someone who actually doesn’t resemble that of a little man at all, I fear for him, I fear for us as a family! At 11 he is reaching the stages of puberty and with it I notice so much more anger, the ability to care less about the people who get hurt in the cross fire. I therefore question my ability to control such behaviour, longing for an answer! As the little man grows bigger, stronger and sadly more violent, I worry he will hurt himself, me or his siblings! Though there is one thing that I fear that little bit more…. Asking for help!

Related articles

• Christmas Meltdowns, Supermarket Style (aspergersinfo.wordpress.com)
• Understanding Autism Spectrum Disorders (everydayhealth.com)
• The day my boy got his smile back. (aspergersinfo.wordpress.com)
• Meltdowns (robertmoran.org)

NEVER EVER AGAIN

This is the post where I try to explain why I never want to take my child with Aspergers on holiday ever again.

 Most of you will know me as the mother who is first to state that, ‘Just because a child is on the autism spectrum, doesn’t mean they should not be given the opportunity to enjoy life’s pleasures such as day trips and holidays’ I stand by this, really I do!

 Now, I will try my best to put into words what I can only describe as one of the hardest, emotional draining and tiring, three days of my entire life.

 This past weekend saw me on the edge of a breakdown as myself, good friend Donna and three children (Little Man aka A boy with Aspergers, Alice-Sara & Harley) embanked on a mini weekend Christmas break at Butlin’s Bognor Regis.

 I had been extremely lucky to be invited to the tots100 Christmas party which meant an awesome deal on accommodation and presented me with the opportunity to also bring along the family. I will talk more about the Tots100 Christmas party and Butlin’s itself in another post, right now I need to get this out my system!

 It’s never easy taking Little man on days out and its even harder trying to embark on any type of Holiday no matter how short or long it maybe. The change and the anxiety mixed with the unknown often brings about havoc, and if you have ever read any of my post relating to such event’s you will already know this (remember the camping trip or even the day trip to Chessington)? 

 Nonetheless, when stating like many do “Never again” I somehow never really mean it and with passing time I find myself trying to do it all over again! Why? Because his my son and I don’t want to leave him behind!

 Despite things starting reasonably well (his delight over the funky hotel lighting which was a sensory pleasure was most welcome) things soon turned sour and within an hour or so all hell had broke loose.

 OK, Ok, I half expected this! After all we have just arrived, everything is different and a mix of both anxiety and excitement fills the air. 

 After a soak in the bath, just before heading to bed he started to argue with his sister. I know arguments between siblings are the norm with most children, but these really are over the top, Little man becomes far to angry and loses his temper rapidly. Worse still his now able to throw an almighty punch. On trying to break up yet another blow up that had become somewhat out of hand, Little man thought he would also hit out at me, not only punching but kicking me too. His not a baby anymore and his growing which I guess kind of worries me if I think about it!

 No, this isn’t good, I don’t show him that I’m frighten of him, I’m actually not, I’m just worried that one day he will go that bit too far!

I don’t like having to restrain my own son but it did have to be done before he hurt himself or somebody else, it was then he spat in my face and then laughed inappropriately. 

 The fact that his violence stopped and I thought we were over this hurdle makes this so much harder.

 After lots of tears Little man finally slept and I convinced myself that as the days went on things would get better, however they didn’t and despite trying to structure all the activities his need to control everything and everyone around him was just too much. Yes, I know things are hard for him, but there were stages of that holiday that I felt like running away especially when he carried on hitting out at me leading me to seek first aid for what was a suspected broken finger (I had pointed at him and he had hurt my fingers so bad I had no choice but to get them strapped up). This was the last day and in all honesty I was so thankful it was. By now I had cried till my eyes were sore and seriously felt like smacking my own head repetitively against the wall. 

 Harley also spent the best part of his second birthday amongst meltdowns and my pleads for a little respect and if anything a five-minute break. I know many people will think, “It’s hard for him too” Believe me I know that, of course I do! I didn’t care about the disapproving stares as Little man hauled abuse at me, I did however feel terrible for the children stood in ear shoot of his language. There was even one episode that resulted in me having to leg it out of a local fish restaurant leaving my poor friend with three kids, one who wasn’t in the friendliest of moods. 

I sat on a bench looking at the sea and really felt like I couldn’t return and carry on with this job called “Parenting”. I left a message on my Facebook page which read, “I don’t think I can cope with Little man’s behaviour anymore” and at that moment in time, I really did feel this way.

 My friend said something to me as we sat talking in the hotel once the children were finally sleeping, she said “I can honestly say I have never seen Little man 100% happy unless his indoors” I thought about this and realised just how right my friend was.

 Once we did finally return home, a lot later than expected following unexpected car trouble (the word unexpected is not one little man favourites) I noticed how his mood calmed! Yes, he fights with his sister in the comfort of our home and yes he can still be abusive, but as I sat watching him cuddling his younger sister watching the end of Eastenders (yes, cuddling, the cheek of them, I know) I realised that in-order to parent and parent Little man well, It needs to be at home (well, at home meaning not on holiday)! I’m not stating I’m NEVER TAKING HIM ON HOLIDAY AGAIN! Though I did state this more than 1000 times during the course of the weekend, I’m just stating that for now, and in-till there are clear signs of improvement in this type of challenging behaviour and yes, my ways in coping and dealing with it, I will not be booking any family holidays in the near future… and that my friends is a ‘FACT’!

Related articles

• Preparing my child with Aspergers for our family festive break (aspergersinfo.wordpress.com)
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Little man quite possibly the next Jamie Oliver?

What an interesting year this is turning out to be! Not only am I now an award winner for doing something I adore, I also have a son attending a school that he doesn’t shudder at the thought of going each morning but one that has also converted him into something of a little ‘Jamie Oliver’.

Little man is really getting to grips and enjoying the cooking lessons his being given in food tech.

So far, the Little Man has brought home, yummy cookies, fairy cakes, pizza and last week it was Rock cakes.

I now sit eagerly awaiting my son’s return from school in the hope he brings with him some yummy threats… “So not good for the waistline let me tell yer!”

The Rock cakes he made, free from all traces of dried fruit (his not a lover of the raisin you know) were amazingly good and seriously lead me to suspect that his taking after his father when it comes to being in the kitchen.

I love that his expressing his interest in a more positive light while expanding on the things his good at why discovering new interests and abilities along the way. This is something we all deserve to experience through both our child and adulthood.

I always knew Little man was keen to get his little size threes in the kitchen door, lets not forget I found him trying to cook bacon in the early hours of the morning as a four-year old tot! I even found him last week heating the oven in preparation for his tea (anyone would thing I didn’t feed him).

I like to encourage all my children to pursue their interest! So… when the little guy offered to make us a pizza I thought,

“Why not, what’s the worse that can happen?”

Spending a fortune at our local supermarket that’s what can & certainly did happened!

I swear it was triple the price of your standard boxed pizza!

Why?

This would be his taste for the finer things in life!

Chinese chicken, (two types, not one) organic tomatoes, Italian Milano salami and a generous amount of parmesan cheese was what he requested for his masterpiece in waiting.

Once home with a bag of ingredients and a somewhat lighter purse, there was no stopping him getting started. The results, Yes… They were pleasant but the mess, well I guess you can’t be good at everything, especially tidying up after yourself.

Cooking isn’t the only skill the little man has acquired, his learnt other valuable lessons since attending his new school, some extremely important ones too!

In the past, little man would hit out in school and do so on a regular basis. He didn’t think about the other children stood in his way when he trashed a classroom in an angry rage. He often reacted to any upset by either absconding or hitting out at everyone, no matter how big or small the opponent. Little Man would often find himself excluded from school and any associated activities, he was a child with little if not any confidence.

Now, there have been one or two incidents in the school that Once upon a time, would have caused Little man to display the same challenges as those mentioned above. For instance, one child was angry and trashed the class, accidentally destroying little mans work in the process. Little man was terribly upset by the incident, but with lots of support and encouragement he reframed from engaging in a way that would have only see him land himself in trouble.

Little Man often finds himself in the wrong place at the wrong time. This was the case on Monday when his limits were truly put to the test when he was hit on the nose resulting in some bleeding. No, I don’t blame the child he was merely doing what my own child has done all to many times when upset, angry or stressed. Little man set chase and was ready to do something about it but again he was discouraged and instead allowed to come to the office and give me a call to talk through how he was feeling.

You see, I don’t want him to be a target for bullies, yet, I don’t believe these kids are! These are children like little man who have difficulty with self regulating their emotions in a controlled and socially excepted manner. I think to some extent Little man understood this too. As when we talked about the incident this evening, he explained how he wasn’t in an argument with the child he was just too close when the child got angry. What was actually quite surprising, was how he seemed to understand the situation so well! Later on that evening (much later) I was sat on my bed at gone 3 am when it finally hit me, “Why wouldn’t he understand? After all, he of all people can relate to that feeling of un-containable explosiveness that I’m sure his class peer had felt at that very moment Little man got hurt.

On the upside, I am overwhelmed by the changes being made and just how quickly such changes have progressed. I was speechless when the teacher phone me and told me what happen. As soon as I heard the words, “We thought you should know” & “Your child was involved in an incident” I felt that all to familiar churning in the pit of my stomach, the type I felt so many times before but thankfully haven’t for sometime!

I instantly thought that my child had hurt someone, and although I waited for them words expecting them to come, they never did!

Of course I did feel a certain amount of upset, purely for the fact my child had been hurt but almost instantly I felt at ease as I was reassured he was fine by both himself and the teacher who called me.

Now, yes… of course I was a proud mother when discovering my child was now learning methods to control his anger and when putting such methods into practice, he was succeeding. Little Man, was also a very happy Little man on discovery my plans to get him his much sought after Lego that he has overly requested I get him since he spotted it at our local supermarket a month or so ago.

Sat at home I felt somewhat troubled like something nasty was waiting to come along and wreak it all. It’s hard not to think in this way when it’s all you know and everything your used to! especially.

I need to discover a way to get that same reaction at home. His sister only has to look at him the wrong way and his throwing punches in hers or even my direction. This isn’t delightful for my daughter of course, and every-time he hurts her in some form her reaction is more intense then the last. I’m left feeling like I’ve failed them both, especially when my daughter loses her temper to such an extent she shouts things she is later left to sit and regret, beating herself up about it. I also release that something needs to be done more now, than ever before. Little man has said “I want to control my anger” through a stream of tears after many blow ups at home. I try to be consistent in dishing out a punishment (maybe a cut in pocket-money, or the removal of his computer) it just doesn’t work

Well, if any of you lot have some advice, I’m pretty open to suggestions, so please go ahead and leave a comment.

Still, regardless of anything else I’ve decided that this post should and will end on the high, it started on!

Other things that happened last week!

Here’s a positive, Last Tuesday I was again featured in the local paper (The South London Press) regarding the award I won (Mad blog awards most inspiring) I was also in the Newshopper on the Thursday of last week. Both articles were pretty good and apart from my horrid picture in the South London press I felt honoured to have gained the interest of both papers who also wrote about me a good few months before in relation to being a finalist.

Another bonus that added to last weeks positives, was the arrival of an email that brought with it great news on a project I’m hoping to pull together with the help of some great parents and their children. Although I’m more than a little excited about the whole thing, its best I don’t officially announce this exciting venture till a little more organisation and planing has commenced.

Here’s what I will state (well, more like request)

I’m looking for parents that have children on the autism spectrum either boys or girls between the ages of 2-17 who live in or around London who will be able to commit to a number of trips over to the South London area.

We are in the planing stages, but the whole thing is on track and set to be a hit.

Note: the project is likely to generate a little press interest so you must be happy with this aspect of the programme.

Lastly we are also happy for the child’s siblings to be put forward and therefore possibly become involved in the project.

Please if you have a daughter on the spectrum then please don’t hesitate to contact us so that you can be sent some further info (It’s all boys who have been put forward at present).

Full press release will be available on the blog for download in next few days.

So, there you have it! Everything is steadily coming together in our little house of madness. We hope your having an awesome week two.

The day I came close to breaking point

I would be telling lies if I said everyday was a good day in our house! Yes, we have had many bad days…Little man can often go weeks at a time without having a major paddy. However with my hand on my heart, Little man has never been as highly challenging as he was Yesterday (Tuesday, 08, September)

Things were pretty much “normal” when I collected him from school. He done a fair bit of moaning, not surprising given the times in which he finally goes  off to sleep of a night. I knew he must have been feeling pretty crappy, so didn’t pay too much attention to his name calling and stroppy ways. I had not prepared my self for what was to come that evening! My gosh it wasn’t pleasant

Tuesday 08 September 2010 would be a date I would remember for time to come, as I’m almost certain that this was the day I very near hit breaking point.

My nine (Very soon to become ten-year old) had gain total control over me! His mother. He seemed totally uncaring, selfish and extremely hateful towards me. Let me explain my meaning for TOTAL CONTROL! I had become so tired and sick of the situation we were now in. My son had me crying in public, I then went on to have a panic attack in the supermarket. Can you imagine the scene.. Mother with two of her children and her nephew stood on the food aisle in Sainsburys crying as her nine-year old throw himself around the store. Yes, his had the classic supermarket meltdowns but this was oh the DADDY of them all. He abused me with hurtful remarks, Throw items, refused to move, bashed his 7-year-old sister across the supermarket with a trolley, cried, jumped up and down screaming “Please, I said I was sorry”  as I contemplated leaving the shop. I considered running way, or better still screaming, nothing precise, Just screaming to let some frustration out! Instead I just ended up with a crying daughter, a migraine, and one hell of a panic attack. God only knows why it’s called a panic attack as I was far from panicking! I was just utterly exhausted, drained mentally, and shocked at the extent of the behaviour and worse the inability to care about mine and anybodies upset.

Not knowing if I was coming or going I realised that we were fast becoming a tourist attraction. I’m used to stares, unwelcome comments from snort nosed strangers. I don’t normally rise to such ignorance. However When some couple stopped to have a nose, like we were caged animals at the zoo I had no choice. Was the situation that bloody interesting? Well, this couple seem to think so and unlike other fellow shoppers peeking as they passed on by, These guys were grabbing their popcorn and were in the front row! Needless to say, they got their show! One which concluded with me asking if they had nothing better to do in their lives then stand watching us and somehow find our abominable display entertaining. Yes, they said nothing just scattered of shaking their heads. Our the trip came to an end with me having this panic attack and members of staff asking if I was Ok. I felt so silly! A panic attack over my child.. I kept thinking they would think I couldn’t cope! It’s ironic really, as stood there I felt like I couldn’t, and felt so for a good few minutes. Then I remember, the challenges we have faced together and I allow myself to have that breakdown, after all do they contend with things like this on a daily basis. Just like little man slowly filling up in till he explodes and it comes gushing out, I needed to do that too and at home laid in bed next to my daughter who was so tired and unable to cope with him constantly storming into her room name calling. I found myself crying again. Listening to him going up and down the hallway acting out the same bus routine he does every single day and night I wondered if he really did have feelings as today would suggest he didn’t!

I know my son does have feeling, if anything he can be over emotional. It just seems at times that he considers himself to be the only person in the world. ..I know that it was just a really bad day, ones I bound to see again, It just sometimes we get through them better then others.

.. Well, my children have been back in school for five days but have only attend three of them days. I emailed the AWO (attendance and welfare officer) who works for the LEA explaining why my children were not in school. How could they go to school that morning following the kind of day we had the day before ? My daughter didn’t sleep till the early hours and I managed a few hours only once I heard the announcements of random bus stops being shouted out, I knew it was safe to. This must have been at least 5am. I’m surprised the baby, my nine month old son got some sleep given the extent of the noise throughout the night.

I decided to go to the school to speak to little mans class teacher. Turns out that the teacher was away from class and told the children before leaving to behave or they may not attend the trip he was planning. Little man freaked when his friend started to misbehave and was now convinced there was no trip. Such a small thing can seem so big to Little man. Since I’ve told him that the trip is still on, his settled a lot more. Today was like yesterday never existed, and he was polite and well behaved. So Tuesday wasn’t a great school day. It was a worrying, anxious school day, which resulted in him coming home to take it out on mum. 😦 We have had worse things happen, worse days but never with this degree of challenging behaviour. It just goes to show, that our children on the spectrum can become bubbling volcanos within a second, No warning no sign. The smallest and most simplest thing to us, is the most huge to them. Challenging behaviour can be triggered by al sorts… You’ve been warned!!

Oh one last thing! I started smoking again after a year and a half. Yes, I was disappointed with myself, and it’s a stupid thing to do… But my god it felt so good! Stress & cigarets are a match made in heaven.

A new year a new decade

I remember writing my first post for this blog. Wow so much has changed  since then and  I must say  mostly for the better. Little man is growing to be a very smart and level-headed young man who really knows what he wants. I’m so very proud at the progress my son has and still is making. It really proves that life with Aspergers doesn’t have to be a bad thing! I have always stated that I would never change my son, Yes many things would be easier if Aspergers wasn’t in the frame but it is and always will be so it’s best to embrace it rather than hide it or try to run from it. I love my son and he amazes me  his intelligence is a great gift, His diffuseness is also in more ways than not a great thing. I feel that with each day that passes I learn a little more and understand a bit more about the way his mind works. Don’t get me wrong life is far from easy, Little man still has problems at school just different ones from before. At the start of last year it was hard to even get him to go to school and when he did he was nearly always late:( This was becoming a huge problem as it was also affecting his sisters schooling and I even had to attend court ( I’m still dealing with this today ) Now his going better his having more problems once there. It seems He is missing a lot of playtimes as he is not following instructions from playground stuff and at times can be rude when his angry about something. I even got a letter informing me he had kicked a door of its hings. We also still have the huge problem with him not eating his packed lunch no matter what I give him. With all this stuff and more the craziness is little man seems much better at home. His sleeping has improved with the help of his melatonin and with this his more relaxed. However his swearing is on the rise and I’m really not happy about that.

Little mans relationship with his sister is pretty much the same as before sadly his still having problems with hitting and I feel very sorry for her. He tries playing with her but his still very bossy and completely takes over the game. It’s all on his terms she becomes upset and this is when the fighting begins. His relationship with his new baby brother is somewhat different. Yes his a newborn so he can’t play with him but little man has shown him a very loving side in which he rarely  shares. He is very good with his brother and enjoys helping. He is showing so much love for him and expressing feelings that he sometimes finds hard to express. He said when holding Harley ( His brother ) That this was the best day of his life:) I had just given birth and hearing this I had tears in my eyes. It was magic.

Giovanni has also managed to form a strong friendship with another child that lives a few doors up. He shares many of little mans special interests like trains and buses.They also attend the same school so walk together in the morning. It’s just on the next street from our home so were fine with this. Little man seems much more happier to get up dressed and ready for school now 🙂

2009 has had both it’s ups and downs. I’m Looking forward to seeing what both 2010 and the next decade will bring . With a new member of the family and little mans greater understanding of the world i’m sure it’s gonna be a good one.