Tag Archives: eating disorder

#HAWMC DAY 12 – Stream of Consciousness

13 Apr

Today I looked in the mirror and stared at the reflection before me. I feel myself shudder before turning away quickly as I desperately try to block out the image I’ve just seen staring back at me.

How bloody superficial and yes, I suppose it is! Ok, I may not be back in my size 8 jeans despite my youngest transforming from baby to hyper 2-year-old, but life isn’t just about a jean size is it?

I’m no superficial chick, honestly I’m not. However, I am one who can find herself whirling down that downward spiral into the dark land of no mans land!

Many woman experience the issue of needing to feel comfortable in ones own skin, it’s just that for some… Things go a smudge too far!

I find it hard to write about my past demons when it comes to food. I’m pretty good at expressing my innermost thoughts through my writing especially when writing about my life as a parent and that of Little mans Aspergers Syndrome but this is different, something of a challenge!

Yes, there has been some soul pouring post, I’ve laid myself bear when writing about my almighty battle with OCD, to face it, reframe from fear and I guess… Live with it (that or the prospect it’s never far from sight).

I’ve also told of my journey to combat anxiety and the horror of the recurring panic attack… Unfortunately, these have never left my crowded mind and although I often tend to find myself chest high in the deep of things these often hit me at different periods within my life at least allowing me periods of time panic attack free.

Although I’ve written some pretty soul pouring post whether about discrimination, depression or something else all together my past eating disorder is something I hold back on, it’s not even a subject myself and family often speak about though it did land me in hospital at just 11 which still breaks my heart thinking about.

Regardless of how dispirited I feel when looking at my own reflection I try my best to bury any bad thoughts deep in my mind, I’m a mother of three children, I have my own 9-year-old daughter to set an example to.

So, here I am, trying to do things the right way! No quick fixes, no taking things that bit too far. The truth is no matter what I look like, how many nights I’ve spent awake resulting in huge black bags hanging under my eyes, I’ll never be 100% happy with myself! At my thinnest I continued to have them low days, that’s the problem, it’s a disorder, once you’ve lost them 5lbs you started off wanting to lose you go on to want to lose an additional 5lbs, then another and so on. I now try to see past my reflection! I know I have many good qualities… I’ve just got to love them that little bit more!

Post 12/30 in the wego health callenge #HAWMC

#HAWMC DAY 11 – My Blogs Crazy Theme Tune

11 Apr

So today I was told to imagine my health focus or blog was getting its own theme song, what would it be?

Apparently we all have one, the song that is top of our playlist, the one that makes us smile when we hear it. Or maybe it’s the song that we play when we’re angry or sad.

I thought long and hard about the question and suddenly it dawned on me… My theme tune has to be “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley.

Yes, it’s one of my all time favourite songs and thinking about it I now know why this is!

You see, I mostly write about my life as a parent of a child on the autism spectrum which at times makes me feel like I’m somewhat crazy. I have also written a number of post about my own battles with mental health, OCD, depression, an eating disorder and that of anxiety (something that plays a huge part in Little Man’s life too).

I often find that the song “Crazy” is being blasted down my ear canal as I type a blog post, I guess I’ve never really stood back and seen just how much I relate to the lyrics and how the song applies to myself and that of my blog!

Here’s the lyrics…

I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind

There was something so pleasant about that place.

Even your emotions had an echo in so much space.

And when your out there without a care,

Yer I was out of touch,

but it wasn’t because I didn’t know enough I just knew to much.

Does that make me crazy?

Does that make me crazy?

Does that make me crazy?

Possibly

And I hope that you are having the time of your life, but think twice, that’s my only advice.

Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,

Ha ha ha bless your soul,

you really think your in control…

Well, I think your crazy

I think your crazy

I think your crazy

Just like me….

My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb

And all I remember thinking, I want to be like them

Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun

And it’s no coincidence I’ve come

And I can die when I’m done

Maybe I’m crazy

Maybe I’m crazy

Maybe I’m crazy

Probably

Uh, uh

Here’s a youtube video of the real thing… Enjoy you crazy readers!

Post 11/30 of the wego health #HAWMC

#HAWMC Day 7 – The faces of shame

8 Apr

Pretty & slim I know she was, looking back I now remember! But the mirror didn’t lie, why would it?

No longer able to cope with the disgust that stared back at her she began to run, though not physically but mentally she ran!

Food the root of all evil, yet her only control, it’s predicability she feed from, the shame she hid from!

Trapped in a maze, unable to escape the high walls that surround her, she’s falls at each hurdle.

Tomorrow would be better was something she often told herself! it was her mind, she had control of it, it didn’t control her…. Or so she thought.

Deep down did she understand the dangers as her hair fell all around her, her beautiful white teeth crumbled like chalk as her young innocent body cried out to be feed?

I think that yes she did but somehow it failed to stop her. To far she had come, to now let her efforts go to waste and fail again!

Fighting her own mind, her inner voice won every time. The defeat taken badly… The battle never ending, inside she was dying a little more everyday!

To stop would now be a danger, seriously, it meant the lose of control and for that she’d be punished the worse way how! Her family would suffer, quite possibly die around her, how selfish that would make her!

Counting and checking dominating her young life almost as much as food, combined this lead to a somewhat complex way of life. One consumed with shame all at her own blame!

Laid in a hospital bed the mid-days sun shone through the cracks of the curtain, slightly lightening a darken room. Closing her eyes she failed to escape the faces of shame, fuck, it had all gone so wrong… It wasn’t meant to be this way!

This post is 7/30 in the daily #HAWMC set by Wego Health. The freestyle challenge is to raise awareness of child mental health, eating disorders and OCD.

Just a little girl (part 2)

23 Aug

Just a little girl (part 2)

This is a follow on from the post, ‘Just a little girl (part one)’

OCD was now a big part of my life. I can only describe it as a nomality.

As a ten year old child I found it far to powerful to battle. In many ways it made me who I was a paranoid little girl.

Though the fear of fire still gripped me, I now had a far greater fear, “Death” No one told me that the cancer within my little sisters body had the power to take her life! I just kind of knew! This petrified me and practically sent my OCD into overkill!

I never took chances, I couldn’t afford to miss a nightly prayer! I forced myself to continue with the rituals, over and over again.

Looking back, I can see why my, “Odd” behaviour wasn’t picked up by my family. Life was manic which in many ways made the OCD easier for me to hide! Yes, though OCD was a big part of my life, I still knew, deep within, that my behaviour wasn’t the, “Norm”! OCD may well have been a nomality to me, but it wasn’t for everyone else, it was, “strange, weird, odd, carzy and a little bit loopy” Did I see myself as a crazy child? Yes, I guess I did!

This was nineteen years ago, I didn’t have google to turn to. As far as I was concerned, their were no others like me. This fact a lone made it far harder to even comprehend telling anyone, so at this point nobody knew, (and if they did, they never said so)!

There was no discerment, I didn’t know why I made myself carry out what I knew deep down to be pointless actions. Yet, the OCD just obscured any practical thinking this ten year old had, leaving me relentless to it’s powers.

Despite my OCD and my sisters illeness, my childhood was a happy one. I loved that I lived with both my mother and grandmother. I remain close to my father despite him not living at home with us.

The years that my sister was seriously I’ll must have been the hardest and most tiresome in my mothers life. My mother had always worked & continues to this very day. Rachel was so sick my mother was forced to take leave. She was now frightened to leave her daughters bedside. Rachel’s care was now shared between three different hospitals, ‘Lewisham’ (our local hospital) ‘Great Ormond St’ (the London based hospital for very sick children) & ‘Barts’ (another London based hospital with a specialised Cancer unit). My mother didn’t know if she was coming or going.

Only now as a mother do I fully appreciate just how difficult a time this must have been for her.

I remember all to well the effects, ‘Leukemia’ had on my sister, who was nothing but a toddler when it struck. I was visiting her at, ‘Great Ormond St’ once, when she throw up all over me, resulting in me needing to go home wearing an operating gown, (which clearly displayed my underwear at the back)! Lucky for me, we wasn’t using public transport, (as we usually would)! My uncle was with us, meaning we would be going home in the car.

Another strong memory I have is my sisters, “sudden” hair loss. I remember this baby with beautiful, thick, floppy, White blonde hair. What seemed like over night, it was all gone leaving her with nothing but a completely bald head.

Children at school would say the most nasty things, like, “Hows your little brother?” I would often fall for it, replying, “His fine, thank you” only to be laughed at and told, “Not that brother, your little bald one”

I look back now and see that, “yes, they were just silly little kids who didn’t understand, but at the time, I just wanted to hit out at each and everyone of them!”

I do remember one particular occassion, my sister was allowed home for a few days (very rare) I danced with her in my mothers rooms. She was dressed in nothing but a nappy. It was a very warm summers day and I could her the children playing outside. I had no desire to join them, I just wanted to be with my sister. As we danced I told her I loved her, in my head I was praying for her not to die! That’s one of my strongest childhood memories.

As if our family hadn’t had enough bad news, things were about to get worse. Not long after my sisters diagnosis, my first cousin on my fathers side of the family, was hit with the very same cancer! I can’t remember how old she was, older than Rachel, just a few years younger than myself I think! This means she was 7 or 8 years old at the time. Can you begin to imagine, both my father and his sister were parents of two very sick little girls, battling leukemia. I will never forget my mother shouting at my father, “But they told us it didn’t run in families!” You have to agree, this seems like more than a coincidence, it was almost as if God had it in for us.

Well, I’m pleased to report that both my sister and cousin are now healthy young women, both each with a beautiful daughter of their own. Both fought the scary C word we all fear, both came out the otherside.

By the age of 12 and fast approaching a, “Teen” things started to go a little bonkers for me. I started secondary school, took up smoking and was fast becoming a rebel. The nights remained as bad as ever, so during the day I just wanted to enjoy myself, have some fun. For the first time in my life I noticed makeup and boys. I watched when the, “popular girls” applied their makeup, tied their ties shorter, while rolling up their skirts. This was what I was becoming! The toilets become my regular hangout, where I would smoke my way through lessons.

It was during this time, that I started to pay attention to what I ate. So much talk amongst the girls involved the topic of, “Diets”

Looking back now, this scares the hell out of me. Yes, I don’t want my own daughter who is eight to worry about her weight at this crazy age. As 12 year olds, we were far to young to take on such issues! Yet here we are in a day and age where girls as young as 7 (maybe younger) have been known to have body hang ups. This is something that causes me great sadness!

Me, I was a stick, (so to speak). I was a healthy child, a girl who could eat what she wanted yet remained naturally silm. Some of the girls, who I wanted to mix with, the ones I were convinced were the, “In crowd” openly discussed how they made themsleves throw up after dinner, how it was a win, win situation, you could eat what you wanted and remain silm… For fuck sakes, we were just 12 years old! By the time I was almost 13 I was doing this regularly. This was despite the fact I knew I was thin, I didn’t even think I was fat! Yet, it was now more then a habbit, almost an addition. Worse, Bulimia now mixed in with the OCD resulted in an explosive combination. Combined, the OCD now controlled the Bulimia. Life was about to hit an all time low.

The last part of my story will follow soon. Just a little girl (part three) will be the final post which concludes my story. Please return to find out the ending.

Note the story has been written to raise awareness of some of these issues, why highlight why I have an understanding of some of Little mans difficulties. Although I don’t have Aspergers, I do relate to his OCD behaviours and is over anxiety.

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