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Just a little girl (part 2)

23 Aug

Just a little girl (part 2)

This is a follow on from the post, ‘Just a little girl (part one)’

OCD was now a big part of my life. I can only describe it as a nomality.

As a ten year old child I found it far to powerful to battle. In many ways it made me who I was a paranoid little girl.

Though the fear of fire still gripped me, I now had a far greater fear, “Death” No one told me that the cancer within my little sisters body had the power to take her life! I just kind of knew! This petrified me and practically sent my OCD into overkill!

I never took chances, I couldn’t afford to miss a nightly prayer! I forced myself to continue with the rituals, over and over again.

Looking back, I can see why my, “Odd” behaviour wasn’t picked up by my family. Life was manic which in many ways made the OCD easier for me to hide! Yes, though OCD was a big part of my life, I still knew, deep within, that my behaviour wasn’t the, “Norm”! OCD may well have been a nomality to me, but it wasn’t for everyone else, it was, “strange, weird, odd, carzy and a little bit loopy” Did I see myself as a crazy child? Yes, I guess I did!

This was nineteen years ago, I didn’t have google to turn to. As far as I was concerned, their were no others like me. This fact a lone made it far harder to even comprehend telling anyone, so at this point nobody knew, (and if they did, they never said so)!

There was no discerment, I didn’t know why I made myself carry out what I knew deep down to be pointless actions. Yet, the OCD just obscured any practical thinking this ten year old had, leaving me relentless to it’s powers.

Despite my OCD and my sisters illeness, my childhood was a happy one. I loved that I lived with both my mother and grandmother. I remain close to my father despite him not living at home with us.

The years that my sister was seriously I’ll must have been the hardest and most tiresome in my mothers life. My mother had always worked & continues to this very day. Rachel was so sick my mother was forced to take leave. She was now frightened to leave her daughters bedside. Rachel’s care was now shared between three different hospitals, ‘Lewisham’ (our local hospital) ‘Great Ormond St’ (the London based hospital for very sick children) & ‘Barts’ (another London based hospital with a specialised Cancer unit). My mother didn’t know if she was coming or going.

Only now as a mother do I fully appreciate just how difficult a time this must have been for her.

I remember all to well the effects, ‘Leukemia’ had on my sister, who was nothing but a toddler when it struck. I was visiting her at, ‘Great Ormond St’ once, when she throw up all over me, resulting in me needing to go home wearing an operating gown, (which clearly displayed my underwear at the back)! Lucky for me, we wasn’t using public transport, (as we usually would)! My uncle was with us, meaning we would be going home in the car.

Another strong memory I have is my sisters, “sudden” hair loss. I remember this baby with beautiful, thick, floppy, White blonde hair. What seemed like over night, it was all gone leaving her with nothing but a completely bald head.

Children at school would say the most nasty things, like, “Hows your little brother?” I would often fall for it, replying, “His fine, thank you” only to be laughed at and told, “Not that brother, your little bald one”

I look back now and see that, “yes, they were just silly little kids who didn’t understand, but at the time, I just wanted to hit out at each and everyone of them!”

I do remember one particular occassion, my sister was allowed home for a few days (very rare) I danced with her in my mothers rooms. She was dressed in nothing but a nappy. It was a very warm summers day and I could her the children playing outside. I had no desire to join them, I just wanted to be with my sister. As we danced I told her I loved her, in my head I was praying for her not to die! That’s one of my strongest childhood memories.

As if our family hadn’t had enough bad news, things were about to get worse. Not long after my sisters diagnosis, my first cousin on my fathers side of the family, was hit with the very same cancer! I can’t remember how old she was, older than Rachel, just a few years younger than myself I think! This means she was 7 or 8 years old at the time. Can you begin to imagine, both my father and his sister were parents of two very sick little girls, battling leukemia. I will never forget my mother shouting at my father, “But they told us it didn’t run in families!” You have to agree, this seems like more than a coincidence, it was almost as if God had it in for us.

Well, I’m pleased to report that both my sister and cousin are now healthy young women, both each with a beautiful daughter of their own. Both fought the scary C word we all fear, both came out the otherside.

By the age of 12 and fast approaching a, “Teen” things started to go a little bonkers for me. I started secondary school, took up smoking and was fast becoming a rebel. The nights remained as bad as ever, so during the day I just wanted to enjoy myself, have some fun. For the first time in my life I noticed makeup and boys. I watched when the, “popular girls” applied their makeup, tied their ties shorter, while rolling up their skirts. This was what I was becoming! The toilets become my regular hangout, where I would smoke my way through lessons.

It was during this time, that I started to pay attention to what I ate. So much talk amongst the girls involved the topic of, “Diets”

Looking back now, this scares the hell out of me. Yes, I don’t want my own daughter who is eight to worry about her weight at this crazy age. As 12 year olds, we were far to young to take on such issues! Yet here we are in a day and age where girls as young as 7 (maybe younger) have been known to have body hang ups. This is something that causes me great sadness!

Me, I was a stick, (so to speak). I was a healthy child, a girl who could eat what she wanted yet remained naturally silm. Some of the girls, who I wanted to mix with, the ones I were convinced were the, “In crowd” openly discussed how they made themsleves throw up after dinner, how it was a win, win situation, you could eat what you wanted and remain silm… For fuck sakes, we were just 12 years old! By the time I was almost 13 I was doing this regularly. This was despite the fact I knew I was thin, I didn’t even think I was fat! Yet, it was now more then a habbit, almost an addition. Worse, Bulimia now mixed in with the OCD resulted in an explosive combination. Combined, the OCD now controlled the Bulimia. Life was about to hit an all time low.

The last part of my story will follow soon. Just a little girl (part three) will be the final post which concludes my story. Please return to find out the ending.

Note the story has been written to raise awareness of some of these issues, why highlight why I have an understanding of some of Little mans difficulties. Although I don’t have Aspergers, I do relate to his OCD behaviours and is over anxiety.

Falling Apart

15 Jun

This post is totally extemporaneous! There was no draft, theme nor great idea.

Yet here I am writing, undecided if I’ll even publish this! I guess if you’re reading this then I must have got adventures, that or damn right brave!

You see, right at this very moment I’m apprehensive, somewhat stressed, extremely exhausted and in all earnestness, a little angry. I therefore apologise in-advance for any rambling nonsense that makes no sense to you, like it does to me.

Right now I feel the need to express myself, yet I have this inability to verbalise what it is I need to say. Who it is I need to say it to is beyond me… So, I’ll just write it here instead!

These past few weeks have been crazy, I dunno where my heads at right now! One part of me has been excited about all the great stuff going on, what with the Mad blog awards and the achievement of having been shortlisted in two categories, “Most Inspiring” and the big one “Blogger of the year. Then there’s the fact I’m off to Cybermummy on the 25th thanks to the lovely people at lego duplo! The other part of me resembles that of a total stress head.

I know we all have weeks like these, the not so good ones, but I’m really struggling to get my mind frame as it should be!

Sometimes I read post and comments that relate to myself and the blog… Some write some awesome things, giving me credit for the way I parent and handle life’s challenges. Although these comments uplift me, encourage me and make me smile, I somehow feel a cheat for allowing such presumptions to be made.

Why? I’m no super-mummy, far from it! Sometimes I questions my ability to do this whole mothering lark, but don’t we all at some point? I know I’ve come a long way emotionally in these past few years, I’ve had to! Yet there are them times I feel like I’m running on a treadmill going faster and faster, so fast I can’t keep up. I keep going till suddenly someone presses the button and I fall of! When I’m off, I struggle to get back on.

People need to know the whole me, I’m human though sometimes I feel far from it. I make mistakes and sometimes I wish I had done things differently!

To think that a great deal of you find me and the blog inspiring means more to me then some will ever know. Days such as yesterday I fail to see myself in such a light, especially when I found myself absconding to the safety of my bedroom, closing the door behind me, sinking to the ground and sobbing like a baby! Take last week for an example… Having just attended another independent assessment (OT) with little man (not a great assessment) Little man become anxious when I took a couple of wrong turns getting us a tad lost! A stream of obscenities were thrown my way. They kept coming at me faster and each more shocking than the last… I was stood outside Loui Vuitton on New Bond Street, sobbing into my hands (and this wasn’t over my realisation that the beautiful Loui Vuitton oversized bag in the window would never be apart of my life, though this did make me a little sad) I should have been calming him, ignoring the shocked faces of the appalled public and as I normally would… Got on with it!

It takes a lot to get me on this level, things a lot worse have happened in-which I’ve dealt with in a calmer manner! You take so much, then that one thing just does it, makes you snap… no matter what the magnitude! These are the times I am overcome with guilt and question my ability to manage! I then feel selfish that its me I’m thinking about as opposed to him! Do you know how hard that is?

Wow, seriously I haven’t slept in nights, maybe that’s my reason for this, “I feel so sorry for myself post” Maybe this attempt of a post, will be one I regret! The post you wished you never wrote… We all have them… Don’t we?

I’m not to sure how this post is planning out, what it sounds like! I’ve not read a bit back nor corrected one-off those spelling mistakes I see as its been so kindly underlined in red (cheers Mac) I’m In a zone… and for all I know this could sound like complete and utter, “Shit!” I feel a certain amount of pressure removed from my head, does that mean I’m almost done? All these worries I have manifesting together as to create one huge headache have been difficult to shift. I have struggled to partition each into its own place dealing with each issue one at a time… In actual fact… I feel close to crazy!

Little man has had a grand total of nine explosive meltdowns in a little under a two-week period. These have impacted on the whole family, each one off us getting to grips with it as best we can. Meltdowns have been had for an array of reasons, such as… Stressful OT assessment; the issue of me getting lost on the monopoly board; a line failure on the jubilee line; a broken down bus; late school transport and complete lack of sleep.

These issues may well seem trivial to some, but to little man they are real everyday factors that cause him distress. Can you imagine how hard that must be, the loss all control, the struggle to self regulate your emotions… I wish people would consider such things when staring, judging or worse laughing, this only makes him worse. (Yes, sadly some find it amusing!)

As well as the meltdowns I’m unhappy to report a more worrisome issue! Given Little man’s anxiety and his inability to get much sleep has unfortunately lead to two panic attack. I felt both helpless and guilty at not being able to keep him safe from such horrible attacks. Both occurred in the small hours and when he begged for an ambulance, I almost complied! Being a person who has suffered from these attacks from a very young child… I was able to distinguish  between a medical emergency and anxiety. He felt at ten years old like he was having a heart attack as electric had entered his body and was unable to get out. (It hadn’t bless him.) He paces, opened doors and windows in a desperate attempt to breathe … It took some time but we got through them together!

Sleeping like a baby, I looked at my child laid on my bed now so peaceful. I wondered what I needed to do next? What does the foreseeable future hold for my child? I slide down the bed to the floor cried, not just a bit but more tears than I knew possible… I felt so lost a feeling I haven’t felt for such a long time! I was worried what tomorrow would bring, would he endure the same thing?

Right now I hated the big man In the sky, for my son is just a child, why can’t he be left alone!

You know your a parent to a child with Aspergers when….

16 Dec

Now I know that every child on the spectrum is different and no two children are the same! But I’m guessing there are a good few parents/carers that can relate to one or two of these….

… You know you’re a parent to a child with Aspergers when…

….You’ve watched Thomas the tank engine more times then you’ve watched Eastenders (You love Eastenders!)

You spend more time at your child’s school, then what you ever did your own school!

You know your child’s entire school teaching team on a first name basis and see them more then your own personal friends!

You begin to organise your own day, with the help of visual aids.

You laugh so hard your sides hurt & your eyes water.

Educational Jargon is no longer Jargon, but a second language!!!

You are taken for the ride of your life… A long the 450 bus route!

Who needs a husband, You’ve already got one!

Your idea of an early night is 3am.

The shop assistant thinks you’re the local crazy woman, who strokes and feels up all the clothing in the children’s department.

You can ask your child for their honest opinion… “Does mummy look fat in this dress?” And be given an honest answer! 😦

You find that slowly over time your ten-year old has converted you into an all time classic ‘bus spotter’ I’m stood like a tourist in the coldest of weather trying to gain the prefect shoot of a 194 bus. Just to keep your little man happy!)

Your child beats you hands down on a maths quiz…. Every single time!!!!

Yes, you find it’s them helping you with their homework!

Your addicted to over the counter painkillers, and yet for some reason you still have a headache!

The morning cup of tea is replaced with three shots of espresso, followed by a couple of Redbulls (I’m yet to grow them wings it’s talking about)

Coffee no longer=social chit-chat, but gives you the super mummy powers needed to to go on!


Your smart, but…Your child’s just that little bit smarter!

Your verbally bashed on a daily basis, yet you don’t love them any less.

“Mum’s got eyes in the back of her head” is a metaphor your never, ever going to use again….. Ever!

You find that over time you’ve become a natural at not giving a S**t what people think.

Fighting is no longer something you associate with boxing!

You wish for the ground to swallow you whole, when your child states the health benefits of losing weight to the slightly chubby checkout girl in Tesco.

Your face glows red when a passer-by slips and falls on the snow, and your child stands pointing, laughing and shouting, “Look they fell over… that is so funny mum” (They clearly don’t think so)

Your woken at 3 am because your ten-year old is feeling peckish… Yer right!

Tantrums are a little different from those you read about in the parenting books

Claire’s room station … Is in-fact Claire’s bloody bedroom… Beep- Beep- Beep… OUT!!!!


And lastly……

….. You live and breath your child’s condition, longing for them to be understood,accepted and appreciated for the truly wonderful child that they are….

…. The child you love just the way they are!!

A WONDERFUL BIRTHDAY.

7 Apr

Wow I really could not of asked for a better birthday, It was perfect, Just the way I wished for it to be.

I woke up pretty early. Being the first member of the household up and about I made myself a nice cup of tea and settled down on the sofa and started to read a magazine. Just then I heard little feet making there way down the stair’s It was little man and Alice. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUMMY” So sweet, they had made me a card each and Alice gave me a teddy and little man had me a plant which he had got for me when out with my sister yesterday. What a lovely  way to start my birthday. Later that day they greeted me again with some stunning red roses. Bless um, how cute. Who ever said children with Aspergers have little feeling’s were wrong. My little man is full of them him and his little sister Alice gave me a wonderful day.

THANK YOU G AND ALICE, MUMMY LOVES YOU VERY MUCH 🙂

IT’S EASTER BABY.

3 Apr

I love this time of year, not only is the air that touch warmer and the flower buds are blooming , it’s also Easter! Not only this but after just having had a fantastic mothers day, It’s also my Birthday on Monday.

Little Man and his little sister Alice came home today with cards, pictures and other stuff they had made in celebration for Easter. Their faces where bright and happy! Why? Well it’s no school for them for the next two weeks. I think they are pleased of the break and I’m really gonna enjoy some lay In’s. The big question most parents will be asking themselves is HOW AM I GOING TO ENTERTAIN THEM FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS ?

Well we don’t have any plans as yet! Little man wants to go to the coast and check out the steam train that runs along the Kent coastline. Maybe judging apron the weather, This is the UK and the weather is known to be somewhat crazy at times. Alice is happy as long as she can play with here friends. We are really lucky that our little girl connects and gets along with other children in a really great way. Alice is best friends with the little girl that lives a few doors down. 

With Little man having ASD ( aspergers ) he tends to often play alone, writing his train timetables or in his black book where he keeps all information on his beloved buses. However we have been lucky as the little girl a few doors down ( Alice’s friend ) Has an older brother a year younger then little man. He has taken to him really nicely and the boy himself who is named Jordan  seems to also enjoy little man company. As I sit writing this the children are out playing. Jordans mum has taken the Children to the park and then for something to eat. She is fully aware of little mans condition and she seems to have no problem with him joining them. ( Great ) It’s wonderful to see my little man forming friendships with other children that do not have ASD. I think my little man will do pretty well in life, don’t you? 🙂

BE MY VALENTINE

15 Feb

So Yesterday was the day for love.
I had a lovely Valentine’s day. Ok I didn’t go out for no candle light dinner for two but being with the kids and Hubby was anoth for me. I got some lovely gifts and even G and Alice made me a wonderful card full of glitter and hearts. G is only 8years old but he has always said that he thinks Jess My sisters friend is really pretty. How cute! she’s 13 so a bit old LOL.
He always talks to her about his trains and buses. Luckly for him she is happy to sit and listen. He asked us yesterday if we think jess would be his valentine. Sweet! We told him we were sure she wouldn’t but she maybe busy today.

He was ok with that he told everyone that jess was his Valentine.

On the whole Valentines day was a pretty good day:) The house was full of love as always and thats just the way I like it.

I WOULD NEVER CHANGE YOU!

4 Feb

This is for you little man.
Love you always your mummy.xxxx

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