Control we all like to have it, though some more than others. It’s important to maintain control of our life’s, after all what a pickle we find ourselves in when we lose our grip.
So what’s life like for a person who feels the need to control everything around them. Is this the type of somebody that one classifies as a control freak?
My little man is a child who has this uncontrollable need to control his surroundings. From what I’ve learnt about Asperger’s syndrome and the way the mind works I understand this has a lot to do with predictability ‘Making the world a predictable place to live in’.
I sat and thought about how my own child uses control, Who he uses it with and importantly where and when!
Since little sister came along and taught the little man about the joys of play, I’ve observed him in numerous situations. I’ve watched him during games that require lots of imagination, games like schools and shops. It’s these games in particular that the little man will come across as somewhat bossy as he try’s to control the whole game using his sister as an actual play object. Once they’ve played it one way they have to play it the same way every time.
Thinking about it little mans need to maintain control of absolutely everything is quite extreme. At times it’s like living with a husband! It’s even the most simplest things that he must control. A great example being the television. Yes, sometimes I have to remind myself who’s the patent here! He will just come in switch over the tv regardless that I’m sat watching it. He will then try to argue his case.This does have a lot to do with him just wanting to watch something but its when I say no things go OTT! He goes crazy at the thought of backing down and losing control of the situation.
This is why his very particular when it comes to creating a Birthday and Christmas list! He can’t get to grips with surprises and the few times I’ve done this things have ended badly. I’ve learnt my lessons here and now discuss everything with him first.
Last year it was a case of giving him money in a card then taking him and his money to the shops to buy his own gifts.This felt so impersonal but something I know to be Practical… This I cannot deny!
Mainstream school was Incredibly difficult for him. He spent so long without any help that his need to control his environment become very over powering. Lets be honest here… It’s difficult enough for even a teacher to control an environment that consists of some 30+ kids. Little man therefore didn’t stand a chance in hell did he. As a result Little man found himself excluded on a regular basis, so regular that it was weekly at one point. Visual aids used within the classroom helped a great deal however this was too little to late and the damage had already been done.
I know that Little man wants things to be predictable and that he finds it hard to relate to the feelings of others when his trying to make it happen. I just wish that others would understand this and see that his not just the spoilt child they assume him to be.
A boy with Asperger's 
As a former “little man with Asperger’s” I have recently been trying to analyse this need for control in myself. I think it comes down to the following: most people have the capability in their brain to analyse and deal with unexpected situtions unconsciously and without much effort, and their conscious brain is only woken up if their unconscious decides that something is too big to handle. We do not have that: we need to rationally analyse every unexpected thing, no matter how small, to decide how to deal with it. Since this quickly ends up being very tiring to the point of draining all our energy, we go to some lengths to keep things predictable. I am making efforts to learn to let things come as they will and accept that I will often be carried away with the tide as I can’t always understand and react to what is happening, but it is hard: sometimes the stituations which I am not able to analyse turn out to be ones where I should have reacted fast, like when my son walked backwards into a bus lane a couple of weeks ago without looking (no, there was no bus at that moment), and I didn’t grasp it until he was clean on the road.
I struggled with this for the longest time, our little man was diagnosed officially quite late on, but his mainstream school were fab and knew exactly what his issue was and how to work with him, even setting up courses specifically for me so that I was on the same page. We only went for an official diagnosis so that he could go to a secondary school more able to accomodate him (and yes it is mainstream). We spent a lot of his earlier years “springing surprises on him” in an effert to “acclimatise him to secondary school”, I know, I could almost cry when I think what we put him through. When we just settled down and discussed things with him life got so much better. Now, we have some routine but he does know that occaisionally his disabled dad needs to do something different and we have different routine for when our regular routine is broken – usually involving him attatching himself to his emergency bag which includes games, books and a small blanket. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and get on with it. You seem to be doing really well with your little one and it’s lovely knowing that some of the things that I see as a difficulty is struggled with by others and hearing how they cope. Keep at it and know that we really appreciate your thoughts.