I don’t feel like me anymore

21 May

Lately I’ve not been feeling like me, my head feels as if it’s in a different zone from my body, I’m here but not fully.

I really can’t explain what it is I’m feeling, not even to that of myself. Why? Because I just don’t know!

Nothing huge has taken place, no drama out the ordinary. I’ve had just as little sleep as always… So no, I’m no more tired than usual (not physically anyway)!

Yet everything that I do I’m only half focused… I feel as though I’m running yet getting nowhere! The littlest of things are grating and grinding me down, the house is a tip and my motivations a miss!

I don’t want to drag my sorry arse down to my GP, leave with prescription for Prozac in hand. I don’t want to be an emotionless pill popping trance walking zombie again, because I’ve been one before and I don’t want to go there again.

But the signs are all there, not answering the telephone when it rings, lying on the floor when the door bell rings, crying over jeremy kyle when I’m normally peeing my pants laughing at that show.

I ask myself the same question over and over again… “am I going crazy”

My children are driving me loopy and although this is no more than usual, I’m finding myself snapping more quickly.

Take today for example, Little man comes home from school with yet another letter highlighting his challenging behaviour, I’m sat on the phone where I’m placed on hold for what seems like forever. Now I don’t even want to be making this call, yet it’s unavoidable, it’s one of those really important calls. 40 minutes later, having sat frustratingly on hold somebody finally comes to my assistance.

The Little man is fully aware of my stress, he even suggests at one point that I just hang up and give up, so when he starts blowing on on those football supporters horns (you know the really loud ones that almost deafen you) as soon as I’m connected, I’m simply not impressed. Fully aware I’m now in a position to talk to someone and having continuously requested he stops, he continues with his annoying horn blowing antics. The guy on the other end of the line, suggests I call back at a more “convenient” time, I feel like screaming “there is no F#*%#*% convenient time” instead I request he waits one minute (given I’ve waited 40 or more) so I can sort out my child’s menace like behaviour, only the cheeky so and so (yes, I can think of more fitting names) puts down the receiver and hangs up on me!

I look at the Little man his laughing by now. Placing my hand over my mouth as to muffle the scream, I jump up and leave the room. Retreating to my bedroom I let out a giant sob, Yes, I feel sorry for myself… Very much so!

It’s not long before little sister is home and she’s injuring her finger while forcefully trying to remove her bike from the back gate, the toddlers screaming his hungry and the little man is again blowing that bloody horn. A moments madness I take the horn and in a fit of anger I break it! It was either the horn or my head against the newest brick wall. With a margarine slowly approaching I feel to drag my sorry backside to bed but have dinners to cook and after school activities to sort!

I’m hoping to have a night away in Brighton next week. I’ll stay at the hotel du vin, relax in a roll top bath, eat chocolate till I’m sick and watch soppy movies in a large king size bed!

The next day I’ll get some retail therapy shopping in the lanes and chill-lax with fish and chips on the beach, before skipping home refreshed! Well… That’s the plan at least.

I just want some “Me time” is that so bad?

14 Responses to “I don’t feel like me anymore”

  1. Laura Jo Baggaley June 29, 2012 at 1:52 pm #

    wow this is refreshing to read, I totally can see where you are coming from! It can feel so lonely at times. I hope you get some time to yourself soon and that you feel better

  2. Violets Diary May 22, 2012 at 8:04 pm #

    It’s perfectly normal to want and need some ‘me’ time. Being a parent is stressful. It’s even more stressful when you have to deal with the complexities of systems and support for a child with additional needs. All children have their moments, but I always find it more challenging how to understand and deal with ‘asperger’s’ bits. Also I have been down the ‘dark hole’ I didn’t recognise it as early as I could have and carried on until it got really bad. I was snapping all the time, I had no motivation etc. When I went to the GP and got pills etc. they really really helped, so if you think it might be worth it go and at least discuss it with your GP. Good luck and enjoy Brighton – hope the weather stays nice. My OH & I had our weekend away from kids in Brighton last year & had dinner at the Hotel Du Vin – mmmm *drools*.

  3. mum in Meltdown May 22, 2012 at 7:54 pm #

    Oh bless you- you always seem to have so much going on I completely understand the desperation for ‘me’ time. Sometimes these things are a necessity rather than a luxury as it’s important for us and the kids to have a break away from each other to recharge!! So enjoy the weekend and don’t feel guilty either🙂

  4. Roxy May 22, 2012 at 3:33 pm #

    This is exactly how I felt a few months ago, only I did go to my GP and get a prescription, because I didn’t see how I would be able to get back to normal on my own. I was trying to do everything possible to take care of myself, but it just wasn’t working, and I knew it would only get worse (from past experience, mind you.) Anyway, if you can get some “me” time, definitely take it, savor it, and don’t spend a minute feeling guilty about it! And just know that there is someone out there in the same position who is very jealous (in a good way!) of your upcoming trip!

  5. fighting for my children May 22, 2012 at 3:31 pm #

    Its not a bad thing to need some “me” time. You work hard at being a mom and you deserve a break. You are a good mom, constantly advocating for your children🙂

  6. Hazel Christopher (@hlac1) May 22, 2012 at 7:31 am #

    Just wanted to say I’ve been there – as in I’ve been the pill popping zombie on prozac (and a lithium)! I put off medication for years, but when I did eventually take medication (and it took a while to find the right ones) it actually changed my life, even though I no longer take “pills” I feel that doing so turned my life around for the better and got me out of a deep dark hole I was in. I hope you manage to get some “me time” soon and that your mood picks up xx

  7. Gavin Bollard May 21, 2012 at 11:55 pm #

    Hi, Just thought I’d let you know that I understand exactly where you’re coming from – and yes, you do deserve a break. There must be some place that you leave the kids for a while. Respite care? I don’t know. I wish I had answers for you.

  8. Lilinha Angel May 21, 2012 at 9:41 pm #

    Hello! I’m back now! Just thought I would drop a quick message abs let you know it’s normal to feel stressed. Tomorrow will be another day! Look forward to your weekend away! I’m sure you will come back relaxed!🙂 x

  9. Lilinha Angel May 21, 2012 at 9:40 pm #

    Turning around and leaving quietly as requested! Lol🙂 x

  10. romanianmuminlondon May 21, 2012 at 9:09 pm #

    First of all! Big hugs! I totally understand how you feel and I only have one kid! Wait 2 including my husband! LOL!
    I hope all the stress will go away soon. At least part of it. And that you will go to Brighton and relax .
    Lots of love

  11. Christine May 21, 2012 at 8:03 pm #

    Ooohhhh I know that feeling all to well!! It does sound as if you need some “me” time! Please don’t fret over the horn breaking as many of us have probably had “bad mommy moments”. I’ve had one or two, or three….lol. Kids really know how to push our buttons!
    One thought came to my mind regarding your mood was whether you were getting enough “outdoor” time? Lack of sun can cause some to feel out of sorts…same goes with low vitamin B levels.
    ((((hugs))) from a mom of an Aspie who happens to have a disconnected head at times🙂

  12. Mum on the Brink May 21, 2012 at 6:59 pm #

    My heart goes out to you! Sometimes we are just best stepping away for a while, just to recharge. Hopefully a bit of sunshine forecast for then next few days will help too.

    As for the arse who put the phone down on you: please put in a complaint. You waited 40mins, I can’t believe they can’t afford the courtesy to wait a minute or so on you.

  13. kay wilkinson (@chaoskay) May 21, 2012 at 6:59 pm #

    I feel for you, I really do! So sorry everything has got to you like this. All I can say is, ‘keep on keeping on’ Or ‘slowly, slowly, catchy monkey’ or something along those lines. I repeat those phrases over and over in my head when I just can’t take anymore. One thing at a time, the days will pass, things will get better. Hugs. xxx Kay

  14. Coombe Mill (Fiona) (@coombemill) May 21, 2012 at 6:56 pm #

    Oh I feel for you so much. Life can be too much at times and while I don’t get depression I do understand the too much to do bit and not enough time and all feeling too much. In my more sensible moments I can prioritize the must do from the would like to do, I hope you stay alone will give you time to clear your head and make a plan that inspires you. Perhaps the family can sort the house while you are gone? It would make such a difference when you come home. Hugs lovely x

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