Back in September 2008 I discovered I was pregnant, things were quite stressful with Little man and we were yet to get his diagnosis. However regardless, I was both excited and happy at discovering I was going to be a mummy again.
Halloween 2008 I took the children trick or treating around some of the local neighbours houses. Little man spotted the white house decorated in bright orange and greens, that stood on the corner of our road. It was a house the children had visited before, the owners had children that went to the same school as mine. I remember thinking how stunning it looked, not only had they gone all out in decorating it for the Halloween season but they had just undergone a massive refurbishment to the in and outside of the house, adding a conservatory and an extension to the side of the house to add extra rooms (well, so I was informed).
Little man slung open their gate and ran for the shiny new door with its bronze heavy knocker. I chased after him, dragging my daughter behind me. I didn’t want Little man knocking alone, I don’t know how many times I had imposed that rule.
Here’s where I am convinced my nightmare began. As I walked up to the door to retrieve my child, I suddenly fell to the ground.
I had fallen hard onto my shins and a pain so fierce shoot up my back like fire. I looked down and noticed I had fallen down a gap in the ground, separated by two thick planks of wood. It’s hard to explain, but it was like missing paving but deeper. The family had obviously not yet finished their refurb, so why was the house done up like a witches paradise with a big sign stuck in the ground that read, “Trick and treaters stop here”
My shins had taken the force of my fall, so why had this pain rocketed up my back? This pain was so bad I was crying. The owners giggled at first asking me “couldn’t you see the big gap in the ground” Were these people crazy it wasn’t daylight the sky was black.
I don’t remember much else apart from me screaming in pain and anger to the woman of the house, that she shouldn’t be encouraging children to knock when her house is a death trap. I called my sister who took over with the children and I went home and feel asleep.
3 weeks after this happened I sadly attended a friends funereal and after that during the wake I discovered a small amount of blood when using the toilet. A friend and her partner rushed me to our local hospital where they confirmed my HCG levels were low.
I was sent home and told to return to my 12 week scan as normal if nothing else happen. Nothing else did happen and with each day passing I grew more confident.
I refused to have anybody come with me to that scan at the end of November 2008, why would I need anyone there I could always bring a picture home with me.
As I lay there with my heart in my mouth I felt the cold jelly being placed on my stomach. It wasn’t long before the Doctor looked at me and shook her head, she got up and went to fetch someone else who confirmed that my baby had no heartbeat.
I didn’t know what I would tell my children and their father, I called my friend and we both cried, the pain I felt was hideous and I just wanted it all to stop.
The Doctor explained that I had actually lost the baby some weeks before as I was carrying a 8-9 week fetus. I had what the Doctor called a ‘Missed Miscarriage’ meaning there were no signs, no pain, no nothing.
I would wait till the Monday another 3 days before having a D&C.
I went home with that fetus that would never grow and be born still inside of me. I curled up on the sofa, refused to eat or talk. My partner had told the children and Little man kept asking me the same question over and over.
“Did the baby die on Halloween mummy”
It was a long weekend and I tried to get on with things. While coming home on the train having been at a friends, the pain that I was meant to have felt all them weeks ago suddenly filled me. I got of the train and my friend tried to get a cab. I wouldn’t go to the hospital I knew what was happening. I just wanted it to happen indoors. Thankfully it did. There was a lot of blood and at home in my toilet I finally passed with one massive scream, what had felt like a golf ball. I spent the night crawled up in bed crying but deep down I was pleased that I could now move on.
I called the hospital on the Monday but was told to come in for a scan just to make sure everything had passed.
Again I laid there and waited, but when she jumped up to go and get the doctor I felt false hope. Was they wrong, but I’m bleeding, maybe it’s a big mistake? It was a big mistake but not like I had hoped! There on the monitor was a fetus but not the same fetus but its twin that had continued to fight on for longer than its sibling. Sadly there was now no heartbeat but baby 2 measured up at 11 weeks. I wondered why it wasn’t seen before and later learnt it was the positioning.
I went through that pain all over again, I cried double the tears and I woke from that D&C feeling like I had failed.
This was in December 2008 and I went on to become pregnant with my beautiful Harley in the February of 2009 (not even 3 months later) I was both excited yet so bloody scared.
Harley was born in December 2009 a healthy 9lb one year after my D&C
Yes, I will always wonder if that white house on the corner was the killer of my unborn babies.
I know that my children wont be calling their this year, that’s for sure!