I just want to be “NORMAL” mum.

11 Jul

It breaks my heart when I see my son so broken. I feel that so much has happened so fast his cognitive and emotional state has suffered. His confidence is also hitting an all time low. Little man needs lots of assurance I look at him and see a ticking time bomb. At home he can seem just fine then something happens to knock him down and the bomb starts ticking again. No child should have to feel like they are not “Normal” nor should they have to try figure out what it is about them that contributes to them being excluded from everyday life. Does every Child still matter? Is inclusion just being pushed aside? Just because you can’t see autistic spectrum disorders don’t mean they are not there! Every time a child gets left behind so does a bit of their ever flaking confidence. I myself would find the guilt intolerable if I contributed this. The more acceptance and understanding from society the less a parent gets told by their child ‘I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL MUM.’

What I want and need to say to my child

Little man…..

..From the moment I discovered you where there I knew you would be special with many gifts and talents to share. I couldn’t wait to hold you in my arms and meet the little boy I had created. I would spend hours a day thinking about you, what you looked like and the person you would become. You were about to make me a grown up. Yes, I was young at just 18 but I was determined to be the best possible mother to you in every way. I had already done so much so young and had not long returned from working and living in Greece. I had a fantastic time and if it wasn’t for your dad I may off just gone back. Just knowing something this amazing was taking place right inside of my tummy was a breath of fresh air. Your great nanny Peg had just left for heaven and I could not see a way through something so painful you gave me the strength to carry on. Its like Nan had left leaving a new beginning in place of the one we had just lost. You were already more than just an unborn child. I loved you from the moment I discovered I was carrying you. Already you had changed something inside me I felt stronger than ever, you made it Ok to smile again. I felt extremely lucky and still do.

Four days overdue on the 1st October 2000 you proved you liked things done differently when you decided that it was time to let the plug out the bath so to speak . Yes, as I waddled like an over weight penguin around the supermarket it really wasn’t exactly the best of timing. Little man your dad ran away with embarrassment as he was convinced mummy had peed in her pants. Needless to say I was more than grateful to be out of there and safely in the comfort of the delivery room. 6.05 pm without a sound you were born. YOU SOMEHOW DECIDED LABOUR WOULD BE A GREAT TIME TO CHILL OUT IN THERE!! SO WE REQUIRED A LITTLE HELP. I was stunned at just how relaxed you were. With lots of red hair weight of 7 lb. 1 oz and a who the hell are you? Expression on your face you were handed to me and I held you for the very first time. You looked at me as if you knew all about me I remember thinking wow I’m now responsible for this little person! That and Wow where did you get all that red hair from? It was then I promised you I would always keep you safe and never let anything happen to you.

It’s rather comical! As I write this you laid stretched out on my bed. Your legs are so long your feet almost reach the end of the bed. It’s been another long night and when you eventually fell asleep on my bed at 3 am why sitting up discussing 194 bus doors I thought it was probably best leaving you there. Thing is you’re not that little 7 lb. baby anymore your almost ten years old. At first glance most would say you’re an average ten-year old but get to know you things will undoubtedly change. Average you certainly are not. You are so much more than that. YOU’RE MY INCREDIBLY CLEVER, TALENTED TEN YEAR OLD WHO CAN TELL YOU THE ROUTE OF ANY LONDON BUS. I’m so proud of you and I say all the above because its true and I hope that despite everything and everyone you know that! Now and always. Little man be proud of who you are the people who care will like you regardless of how you speak, what you wear, or how intelligent you are. Don’t fall behind in school to fit in, dumbing yourself down is heartrending. Express your interest without fear and those that are not understanding can just disappear. Show what your good at poems & numbers. If something hurts or isn’t right don’t run away its Ok to ask for help. Be proud of yourself because you are special. Don’t ever feel ashamed, those that don’t like it can ultimately lump it.

At the same time try to be considerate to others feelings counting to ten before saying something that maybe true but hurtful too. If your anxious walk away and find somewhere quite but safe. Please don’t hit others or yourself😦 If you’re feeling like you’re not coping or you feel upset please tell me somehow something is wrong.

When you came home from school and said you wanted to be normal I didn’t know what to say. I know I should have responded straight away and I’m sorry I didn’t. This was only because I was upset that things were getting so bad for you I hope that I explained it to you in a way that made sense for you. It was as if I somehow felt I had failed you by not protecting you like I promised. But the truth is I can never protect you from life. Sadly life is often difficult but then when its good it’s fantastic. As for wanting to be Normal nobody is “Normal” Who came up with the term and who are they to suggest what is and isn’t “Normal” we are all individuals with a certain degree of uniqueness. If we were all the same life would be boring. The only difference for your uniqueness is yours has a name and like I’ve said before that name isn’t silly nor is it a name that defines you. Aspergers don’t make you who you are you make Aspergers what it is.

WHAT IS IT?………..


Its ignorance that’s shameful not you, not Asperger’s! I won’t lie the probability that in life you will sometimes feel you are excluded from society is almost a certainty. But never think this is because you are not “Normal” never sit and ask yourself why! It’s societies lost. One day they will wish that they had taken the opportunity to embrace and learn about The boy with Aspergers but by then it’s to late because his now the man with Aspergers who never looked back.

I love you so much little man and through I know you find things stressful and can get angry or aggressive I know a lot of the time your anxiety levels are just to high. I’m so proud of you for giving it your all and trying to reduce certain behaviours at home. Your aggressive behaviour towards your sister is improving and that’s all down to you. I hope that in time things improve at school and everyone gets to see you for the bright star you are.

5 Responses to “I just want to be “NORMAL” mum.”

  1. fiona2107 August 9, 2010 at 2:42 am #

    Your children are SO blessed to have such a well balanced and caring mum.
    But I do understand the longing for “normalcy” (whatever THAT is ) *sigh*

    PS I giggled at the “looks like you are peeing your pants ” when your waters broke bit tee hee

  2. Katie July 15, 2010 at 2:09 am #

    Claire you are such a wonderful woman. Your children will grow up knowing that mum has always done best by them and that she loves us very much.

  3. Tilly July 12, 2010 at 9:58 pm #

    This is a lovely post and one which your little man will be able to really appreciate when he’s older.

  4. sharon July 11, 2010 at 10:48 am #

    Thank you so much for saying what I have always tried to say but couldn’t.

    It was like you were reading exactly what is on my mind, I just hope someday I can word it in such a way that my wonderful “special little man” will understand.


  5. Sue July 11, 2010 at 9:28 am #

    So moving, beautifully written. Your love for G shines through. X

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